Guys, Seriously: The NEWSPAPER Made Him Gay

Sweet baby Jesus with port wine reduction:

“I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in hopes of making it go away,” he said. Not seeking counsel was “a mistake and I deeply regret it.”

Craig said his state of mind was troubled then because of an Idaho Statesman investigation into rumors circulated by a blogger and published by many other papers in the state. The paper printed nothing until news of Craig's arrest became public Monday.

Craig said he and his family “have been relentlessly and viciously harassed by the Idaho Statesman.” He called the Statesman investigation a “witch hunt.”

“Let me be clear,” he said. “I am not gay, I never have been gay.”

“I love my wife, my family, I care about friends and staff and Idaho, I love serving this great state,” he said. “There are still goals I would like to accomplish and I believe I can still be an effective leader for this state.”

He said he had made a mistake when he pleaded guilty to a disorderly conduct charge earlier this month.

Look, I consider myself to have been under extraordinary stress because of newspapers for approximately the last 15 years, or whenever it was that the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel did that redesign that looked like Helen Keller got drunk and fell on the keyboard. I mean, honestly, we're talking seriously disturbed states of mind of various kinds over the past decade, including one summer where there was not a single day I didn't work, and one very long month in which I was convinced I'd wasted every second I'd ever spent in journalism.

And yet, shockingly, I managed not to ask anyone in a public bathroom if I could have a little bit of that, at least, not anyone I didn't mean to ask in the first place. I also managed not to plead guilty to any crimes of which I was unjustly accused.

Maybe I just have extraordinary self-control. Or maybe the Idaho Statesman has magical stressing-you-out powers that none of the places I've ever worked have managed to achieve. Maybe I just don't know where Larry Craig is coming from. I mean, I've never been an elderly bigoted closet case myself, so I don't know what it's like when someone asks you point-blank about the truth of your life and that's all you've got to say, "I believe in prohibiting loving couples from receiving equal protection under the law because I find penis Teh HAWT and cannot come to terms with myself." I have no idea what that's about. Maybe he really was having a worse newspaper-stress session than I was.

Somehow I doubt it, though, and you know, as always, if the dude is gay, whatever, have a good time like everybody else, whatever you like. But the real problem here is that he seemed to think it was his mission in life to prevent people from doing exactly what he did, and then when exposed, to blame the OMG EVOL MEDIA and everybody else for his problems, which is an endemic Republican disease. And what bugs me about this is it's so unnecessary. In reality, it would have been much easier to just sack the hell up, admit who you are, deal with the consequences, and not look like a total fucking fool and a hypocrite, with the bonus goodies of not being convicted of criminal conduct. I'm not saying this like I think it's easy, I just can't imagine Larry Craig's coming out party as being LESS FUN than this.

I keep saying it and I'll keep on until people figure it out: It takes just as much energy to make all those excuses for why you suck as it does to NOT SUCK in the first place, so since we've all got only so much time on this planet, why not try not sucking?

A.

Comments

[caliph garrett]

At the very least, perhaps Craig has learned the value of due process, and how the fifth amendment exists to protect us all from overzealous law enforcement.

Nah. Everything must go!

[Arch]

Nice title.

[Interrobang]

You have to be a certain special kind of stupid to plead to something like that if you didn't do it, which leads me to believe that he's either dumb as a sack of hammers or else he's lying about being light in the loafers (although the latter would not preclude the former). Either way, I hope the voters in Idaho wise up to what a dimbulb he is and vote him out.

[leinie]

Idaho voter here...and I didn't vote for the idiot six years ago. You can bet should he decide in a month to run for re-election I won't vote for him then either.

And it will have nothing to do with his thinking penis is TEH HAWT and everything to do with his being so far up Bush's ass he's nibbling on the tonsils. The added bonus I will get as I cast my ballot for Larry LaRocco will be knowing that this idiot who treated his constituents like idiots (it's the newspaper's fault, and they made me sooo stressed out I couldn't call a lawyer, and then I mistakenly pleaded guilty but I've done NOTHING WRONG!!! Please believe me, and don't call me gay, and let me stay in the Senate) won't be "representing" me.

The part that is pissing me off the most is this absurd story, and his believing that the people of Idaho are just that stupid, and his insistence on demonstrating to the nation he thinks the people of Idaho are this stupid.

He owes me a fucking apology for being so fucking stupid. Then he owes me a resignation. Yeah, I know, Butch the governor will appoint some other republican, but at least this embarrassment for the state wouldn't be sitting in the Senate.

[MapleStreet]

In support of your theory, I'd imagine that many of the conservatives that I know probably do think that only gays read the newspaper (you know, its a liberal thing ;-)

[pansypoo]

the Urinal sucks even more today. more promos and less gnews! and editorial from everybody's FAVorite rite win nuts! with bobo AND cabbage hammer, for extra vomit J-lo and the doughy pantload.

but, you know how silly men get when they are under pressure. they twitter, flutter their dainty hands while they get the vapors. it amazing they had to wait til the 1920's to get the vote!
it's their hormones i tells ya.

[virgotex]

The TV Guide made me gay

[A.Citizen]

Hey! The citizens of Idaho have been electing this piece of shit for quite a while now. Too late for them to say, 'Oh, we didn't know he was Teh Gay!'

Besides which his real crimes are the laws and policies he helped the scum of the Rethuglican Party put in place, not that he is a self-hating in the closet homosexual, and....

He's been doin' it fer years!

You wanna know what the real problem here is?

Look in the fukin' mirror Idahoans.

[cosmosis]

Craig sounds a lot like the former mayor of nearby Spokane, Somebody West. In addition, based on his press conference, the one thing you won't get from Craig is a straight answer.

[AngryFFEMT]

In his sick mind, he isn't lying. In his twisted mind because he is married and kept his "evil" buried, he isn't gay. He just has illicit sex with men at times, but that isn't gay. You have to go to those parades and the bars and on those cruises before you get your gay card. Or something.

Thanks for a cathartic laugh this morning, A!

[CrispyShot]

It takes just as much energy to make all those excuses for why you suck as it does to NOT SUCK in the first place, so since we've all got only so much time on this planet, why not try not sucking?

You know, that sentence works so many different ways in this story, it's kind of amazing.

[mdhatter]

Airport bathrooms is where I have all my straight sex with other men.

It's Duty Free.

[DerelictDaughter11]

mdhatter - *groan*!!! ;)

[CJ]

"But the real problem here is that he seemed to think it was his mission in life to prevent people from doing exactly what he did ..."

I've been reading you long enough to know that wasn't the intent but that seems rather insulting to gays. It's the right-wing nuts and homophobic Republicans that send closeted gays like Craig into public restrooms with anonymous men but what they want to prevent is homosexuals being able to live in normal committed relationships, be protected from discrimination on the job and not be an included class for hate speech/crimes.

That said, unless the Republicans push him out, he'll run and likely be elected. All that matters here (other than in the city of Boise and I think that's due to immigration from other states) is the "R" behind the name on the ballot. Regardless, rest assured his replacement will also be an embarrassment.

[Athenae]

Gah, CJ, you're exactly right. That was NOT my intention. What I was trying to do was point out the hypocrisy of it, not say something specific about public bathroom sex.

A.

[Ray]

Sweet baby Jesus with port wine reduction

Ya know, if Tre had just made that he might not have been booted off Top Chef last week.