The end of election season is mercifully arriving this week. Politicians can stop showing up at college campuses and pretending they know where the hell they are. Special interest groups can stop running ads that tell you everything from how Mitt Romney once ate a small child that was birthed from one of his sister-wives to the way Barack Obama is preparing to launch a “Brown Dawn” attack on us with his Negro Army.
And, most thankfully, the pollsters can stop calling the house to make absolutely, positively sure that we haven’t changed our mind on Romney, Obama or a federal proposition to allow for Jerry Sandusky to write a children’s book from prison.
For those of you who have made it this far without pulling an “Elvis” on your TV set or pulling an “Axl” on your phone, congratulations. However, if you feel a little of either creeping in on you, here are a few survival tips as we wait for the glorious end to this inglorious process:
Tell everyone who calls that you're not supporting a candidate who isn't making a full and total commitment to bringing back disco and velour shirts.
When you see a guy sporting a “I support the Second Amendment and I VOTE!” T-shirt or with that bumper sticker on his car, engage him thoroughly by explaining how you are a Third Amendment voter and you take it very seriously. Argue loudly that we are only one returning vet moving into his mom’s basement away from a full slippery slope toward forced-soldier-quartering Armageddon. Also explain that you are fully committing to passing the “Titles of Nobility Amendment,” that has languished for far too long.
When the live pollster calls asking for “Debbie,” Ask “What Would Danny DeVito Do?”
If you have a toddler or a cat, relinquish the phone when the robo-caller calls for data. I have enjoyed seeing how my junk mail changes after the Midget dealt with the last four or five of these things. I’m sure it confounds my mail lady to see that I’m getting offers for AARP, Weight Watchers and mail order sex toys services. (If you lack children or pets, just try playing “Carol of the Bells” or something with the phone button tones. It works just as well.)
Make up yard signs that attack a fictional candidate for something. Offer to provide them to your neighbors in an attempt to “defeat this extreme, radical extremist, who is way too extreme for even the extreme people we already have.” See how many takers you have.
Set out on a last-minute, vociferous push to re-elect your local coroner. If the race is uncontested, push even harder because, “You never know!” (Or just watch this ad and shudder.)
If you get to talk to a representative of a candidate for the U.S. House or Senate, ask how seriously committed that person is to getting the Corwin Amendment passed. Better yet, ask that of the candidate him or herself. It’s about 100-1 odds that they won’t know what it is, but won’t ask what it is. If you make it seem important to you, they’ll let you know it’s really important to them. Because that’s what we really want in politicians, you know. That and the sense that you could have a beer with them…
If a candidate knocks on your door, open it slowly and then breathe a sigh of relief. Yell back into the house, “HONEY! Stop burning all the kiddie porn and meth! It’s just some politician…”
When dealing with pollsters or advocates or candidates who want to form a bond by using your name, make up a name that is horribly uncomfortable for them: “Hi I’m Fahquin Diqfase.”
Buy a bull horn and an inflatable princess castle. Place the castle on your lawn and wait inside of it for the campaign volunteers to approach your door. The minute their foot hits your property, jump out of your princess castle start screaming through the bull horn, “CASTLE DOCTRINE! CASTLE DOCTRINE!”
Ask if the candidate is "in full effect” or not. Tell everyone that is the most important voting issue. Also request that the candidate rap his or her next speech and offer all future bills in the form of haikus.
When a pollster calls you and asks if you know for whom you are voting in the presidential election, ask “So who’s running?” After he or she tells you, pause and say, “Hang on. I gotta find a quarter to flip.”
Remember, my friends, as Daniel Day Lewis said, “Stay alive. No matter what occurs, I will find you.”
See you next week.