With the Fiscal Cliff countdown at T Minus 5 days and counting, here's Andy Borowitz channeling his inner Most Incompetent Speaker in the World:
Dear American People:
It’s Speaker Boehner here, writing my first and last ever holiday letter to you. Why am I doing this after all of these years, you might ask? Well, I won’t mince words. I’ve started drinking a little early this Christmas.
Yes, I’m sitting here in my man-cave, panelled in mahogany the color of me, doing a rack of Canadian Club shooters and smoking my way through a carton of Lucky Strikes as if they were the last Twinkies in creation. If my chief of staff knew that I was writing to you while I was this polluted, he’d shit a phone book. But guess what? I don’t fucking care anymore.
Otherwise, have a Happy New Year and thanks as always for giving me the chance to put in my .000002 cents worth here at First Draft. Cheers!