Giant Vagina Sculpture Traps US Student in Germany
Check out the link, see the picture. This may well be the funniest story of the year thus far
Giant Vagina Sculpture Traps US Student in Germany
Check out the link, see the picture. This may well be the funniest story of the year thus far
I think my favorite is the one about "I have gone to great pains to explain this horrendous conduct to my children."
Despite the health concerns, Zucker and Buckyballs became a cause célèbre on the right. An opinion column in the Wall Street Journal last November decried the "irrational federal war on Buckyballs." Reason Magazine recently ran a feature on the federal government's "vendetta against the creator of Buckyballs." Zucker also appeared on Fox News, where he was feted as a small businessman fighting "government overreach."
Zucker now runs a website, Unitedweball.org, that sells products "to support the legal battle of one individual against government." The site claims that "the government’s case against Buckyballs will have severe, far-reaching ramifications for the future of American businesses and consumers." The site's wares include larger versions of Buckyballs, called Liberty Balls and the Ball of Rights.
Is there anything more inherently conservative these days than a toy called LIBERTY BALLS?
Back on March 24, Cruz posted an informal survey on his verified senatorial Facebook page. It read: "Quick poll: Obamacare was signed into law four years ago yesterday. Are you better off now than you were then? Comment with YES or NO!"
It's probably fair to say that he didn't expect the tsunami of "YES" votes that have shown up on the page among the 47,000 that Facebook says have been posted.
Respondents have listed, among other things, their newfound ability to obtain coverage despite preexisting medical conditions, the right of young adults to stay on their parents' policies to age 26, lower premiums and the end of lifetime benefit limits.
Some posted impolite remarks about Cruz's personality or political positions.
You don't say.
I heard this in the car over the weekend and laughed so hard I almost drove off the road.
Why is David Hasselhoff there? I mean, not that his presence doesn't improve everything.
BONUS: Watch at 1:52 for the FERRET SELFIE.
Right after the Flood, I began calling New Orleans Debrisville. In fact, my inaugural First Draft post was entitled Greetings From Debrisville. It wasn't much of an inauguration, there was no 21 gun salute and we drank beer instead of champagne.
Anyway, the New York Times seems to be jealous of how many hits Buzzfeed generates with clickbait so they published a ludicrous article about hipster musicians, actors, and artists who have moved to New Orleans. It's written by some silly billy named Lizzy Goodman who treats the aforementioned hipsters as if they were cultural anthropologists. The story starts off dippily and gets stupider the more you read. I have bold faced the money quote, the one that set NOLA twitter ablaze yesterday with mockery:
“New Orleans is not cosmopolitan,” said the actress Tara Elders. “There’s no kale here.”
We were sitting outside at Sylvain, a restaurant in the French Quarter that Mr. Huisman said “takes Southern cuisine and pushes it a bit more modern.” With its elegant but rustic décor, cocktails featuring noirish names (Blood in the Gulfstream, Dead Man’s Wallet), and inventive food, Sylvain wouldn’t be out of place in Brooklyn — but Ms. Elders said spots like this are still the exception. “So many of the cool places here are really rundown,” she said. “And not because a stylist designed them that way.”
On the unintentional comedy meter, this story was off the charts. NOLA Twitter went nuts over the kale crack. Here's a sampler:
"I'm not sure, but I'm almost positive that all leafy greens came from New Orleans." - Ernie Kale-Doe #nytkale— Alison Fensterstock (@AlisonF_NOLA) March 6, 2014
The good news is the colonizers have downgraded from Christianity to introducing the natives to kale.— skooks (@skooks) March 6, 2014
My favorite rapper: Mystikale— James Cullen (@AccidentalCajun) March 7, 2014
@jlhm3 I answered the, uh, kale of duty. Thank you, sir.— Shecky in Kaleville (@Adrastosno) March 6, 2014
That's right, ladies and gentleman, you should judge a community by its vegetables. Of course, kale is readily available at grocery stores and eateries throughout my city. One would have thought that these daring "cultural anthropologists" would have explored that avenue of inquiry but they did not.
In faux defense of the honor of my adopted hometown (I'm a transplant but I didn't expect anyone to applaud me for moving here) I will start calling it KALEVILLE. No, not K-Ville like the crappy short lived Fox cop show but KALEVILLE. Hmm, maybe that show would have made it if they'd had kale parties instead of gumbo parties because it's more on trend according to Gwyneth and GOOP.
Another thing I learned from New Orleans rising from the ashes and becoming Kaleville is that the received wisdom handed down by generations of comedians that K is a funny letter is true. Henny Youngman, Groucho Marx, and my personal role model, Shecky Greene are happy campers right now. Of course, Shecky is by far the happiest because he's still alive...
This preposterous article and the punny reaction to it have a semi-serious subtext. Some of the folks who are moving to our city view the locals as either zoo animals or characters in the teevee show Treme. The term hipster does not do justice to the vacuous malakatude of this sub-set of newbies. When I asked for alternatives on the Tweeter Tube, one from a fellow Spankster stood head and shoulders above the rest:
There you have it kale fans: Welcome to Fauxhemia. That trail blazing band the New Fauxhemians will open their set with the New Orleans classic Ikale Ikale and may even play kale to the chief while heeding the kale of the wild. Okay, I'll stop now and give the last word to Frank Zappa and the Mothers with their classic song Kale Any Vegetable:
How did Russell Crowe spend his weekend? By asking the pope to go see his new movie “Noah,” of course.
The star of the upcoming biblical epic sent a few tweets pleading with Pope Francis to go see the bold retelling of Noah's Ark.
Russell Crowe has, of course, been in a ton of total crap as well as Cinderella Man and Master & Commander, so it's not like his record is unblemished. STILL.
To my great surprise, I found one of my favorite Marx Brothers movies on the YouTube. It appears to have uploaded by a Cyrillic chap of some sort. Oh, those zany Russians. In the immortal words of Chico Marx, "Get-ta your tootsie frootsie ice-a cream" and watch this 1937 classic when you have an extra 109 minutes:
2013 was a vintage year for malakatude of all types. I considered going with a Tea Party Republican but there were too many to choose from so I'm posting a link to a piece in Salon about GOP rebranding fails. I also considered doing a year in malakatude post but Dave Barry has that covered even if he doesn't use the M word.
There was one towering figure in the annals of 2013 malakatude. A guy so schmucky and creepy that he dominated TPM's Golden Duke Awards. I am, of course referring to the one, the only TORONTO MAYOR ROB FUCKING FORD. Ford is not only malaka of the year, he's a stereotype shattering motherfucker. Canadians have a well-deserved reputation for niceness and political moderation but Rob Ford has shown us that they can be just as awful as Americans. There was a great piece in the Guardian by Matthew Hays that views Mayor Malaka as a trailblazer:
Pope Francis might be Time magazine's person of the year, but for Canada, there can be little doubt who our main noisemaker has been. Toronto's mayor, Rob Ford, with his acknowledgments of crack smoking, drunken stupors, driving while under the influence and socialising with drug dealers, has made Canadians cringe in an unexpected way.
Consider that Canadians view much of the world through American media, which places us in a very odd, existential state: we experience much of the world from the perspective of a country that barely knows we exist. When Canada does make the news, either as a Simpsons one-liner or a news story about some extreme weather, it sets off a collective frisson – a brief but thrilling sensation of being acknowledged.
Ford's ongoing fame is that much more agonising, given its epic scope. He has become one of the most famous Canadians in the world, attaining the kind of recognition usually only granted to one of our citizens once they have left the country, like William Shatner, Celine Dion or Justin Bieber.
But Ford's notoriety, which now includes the opening sketch for Saturday Night Live and a New Yorker cartoon, is horrifying to Canadians for another reason. It's the terror of recognition. Sadly but truly, Ford has become the very personification of what Canada has become.
This is difficult news for non-Canadians to digest. After all, many, if not most of you got your impression of Canada through Michael Moore's hugely popular documentaries: we are kind, gentle people who don't lock our doors at night, believe in universal healthcare and gun control and stayed out of the invasion of Iraq.
As some critics have pointed out, our prime minister, Stephen Harper, has remained remarkably silent on the Ford debacle. Harper needs the support of much of Ford's pugnacious voter base, many of who remain staunchly loyal despite the snowballing scandals and gaffes. (Last week, in a TV interview that can only be described as ludicrously sycophantic, ex-con Conrad Black spoke to Ford, who insinuated that a reporter covering his story might be a paedophile. The reporter has served him with a libel notice.) While different in their public demeanour, Harper and Ford are flip sides of the same hard-right coin.
And that makes the image of Ford all the more unsettling. What was once Canada the cool, the country a 1991 Economist cover story called the "post-modern nation-state", has now devolved into a rightwing hellhole. Ford was elected in 2010, one year prior to Canada's Conservative party winning a majority in the national parliament. Since then, Harper, a man who once referred to global warming as "a socialist conspiracy", has pushed Canada's policies sharply to the right.
That was a longer quote than I usualy post, but it points out the new Canadian reality wherein a crack smoking, drunken lout who assaults his colleagues can survive in public office. I know, I know: who am I to talk: Diaper Dave Vitter is one of my United States Senators. But Bitter Vitter apologized and kept his head down instead of partying like Chris Farley on a non-stop bender.Viiter is a mere common garden variety horndog whereas Ford has style. It's a crude and obnoxious form of style but he's got style nonetheless. He'd fit right in at the DKE frat house at Tulane...
I was one of the first people to compare Rob Ford to Chris Farley, but there's another comedy legend he reminds me of as well. Ford is all id, which means that the greatest Stooge of them all, Curly Howard would have been superb casting as the wackadoodle Mayor. It's easy to imagine Ford dancing the Curly shuffle, after all:
Finally, as a New Orleanian, I'd like to thank Rob Ford for being a bigger clown than former Mayor Clarence Ray Nagin. It took a lot of heat off my city when Ford burst upon the scene with a hearty nyuk, nyuk, nyuk that exceeded C Ray's most egregious malakatude. And that is why Rob Ford is malaka of the year.
Writer Roy Clarke was the creative force behind the classic Britcom, Keeping Up Appearances. He created two, count em two, great comic characters in Onslow the lovable layabout, and his snooty sister-in-law Hyacinth Bucket, I mean Bouquet. Here's a holiday episode for your enjoyment:
Come Dine With Me is a long running British comedy/cooking/game/competition show featuring a group of strangers cooking for one another. BBC America ran it for awhile before they became obsessed with Top Gear. A YouTuber has posted a bevy of episodes, This one features an expatriate black American, a Tory activist, a yuppie fitness fanatic, and a left wing school teacher. There's now an American version on Lifetime and it's pretty darn good although the comedic narrator isn't as funny as Dave Lamb on the original. They really should have hired Kevin (Tom Servo) Murphy or maybe even me:
German President Joachim Gauk will not be gawking at the Sochi Olympics next year. Did I say gawking? A pun, a weak one admittedly, but a pun nonetheless. In reality, he will not be leading the German delegation to protest Putania's human rights record and all of those creepy bare chested pictures of Vlad doing manly shit. Keep your shirt on, Vlad and I mean that literally...
Nation states customarily send high ranking cats and kittens to wave the flag at the opening ceremonies. In 2012, FLOTUS led our delegation to woody old London. This time we should downgrade our representation because of Russia's recently enacted anti-LGBT laws, and send Putin a message that is not named Edward Snowden...
In the spirit of helpfulness for which I am famous, I considered suggesting Speaker Boner since he's technically a high ranking guvmint official but is actually a big orange joke. Instead, I think we should combine protest and parody by sending some outstanding gay Americans to represent the US and A. I hereby nominate <drum roll> the Fab Five. No, not the Michigan hoops team that shoulda won the national championship, I mean these guys:
Yeah, I know Queer Eye is a bit dated, but watching their recent 10th anniversary special reminded me of what amazing chemistry these guys have. Just imagine Carson going through Putin's clothes and mocking Vlad's butchest outfits. Ted could give him cooking tips, Kyan could teach him how to use a tongue scraper, Thom could paint the Kremlin red, and Jai could do whatever the hell does. It's a winner I tell ya, and if Vlad doesn't like it, Ted could tell him that he's been chopped...
I've been invited to join the regular rotation of characters in the Wednesday slot, which I of course then promptly missed this week. I'm popping in out of turn to share this lovely little bit of winter geekery with you all:
Cheers, and stay warm out there!
I'm not the only who one thinks that the late rotund comedian would have made a smashing Rob Ford. Here's a pastiche of Farley film clips in trailer form. It's genius:
This hasn't got anything to do with American Horror Story:Coven or other witchy/voodooy curse nonsense but with a survey about which state curses the most. My current home state, Louisiana is number 4. Fuck yeah, fuckin' A,
Louisiana is also the fourth most courteous state according to this click bait driven (it worked with me obviously) survey. Thank you for moving out the fucking way. We're the only motherfuckers to make both goddamn lists thank you very much. They're not polite in Jersey? Who the fuck knew? Everyone...
Here are some swell looking charts courtesy of Marcex;
Comedian and JFK impressionist Vaughn Meader's career suffered collateral damage from the assassination. It never recovered from the events of 11/22/1963, which is one reason the assassination buffs have never suspected him:
Here's Meader on teevee doing JFK:
Moms Mabley week at First Draft continues with three of her LP covers. I'd never seen the last one until the other day and it cracks me up since it has LBJ, HHH, and RFK waiting on the White House porch for the arrival of the grand dame. It is, of course, sci-fi since Lyndon and Bobby were *never* on speaking terms and not even Moms could have brought those two together:
I'm obsessed with old school comedians. I'll use any excuse, find any pretext to mention Don Rickles, Redd Foxx, Totie Fields, Henny Youngman or Fat Jack Leonard to name drop but a few. Some of my friends call me Shecky because of my fondness for puns and shticky humor. I like the nickname because it's a bow to the great Shecky Green. This is a long, roundabout way of saying that I'm interested in show biz history and shit that makes people laugh. Moms Mabley always made me laugh: from her frumpy floral house dress to her bucket hat to her toothless delivery, she was hilarious. Moms sounded like a bullfrog and looked like a demented old bat, but she was sharp as a freaking tack.
Whoopi Goldberg has produced and directed a documentary for HBO about Moms Mabley and it's a winner. Using talking heads, teevee clips from late in her career, and sound bites from her many elpees, Goldberg paints a portrait of a pioneer African-American female humorist with a sly, sarcastic, and subversive wit. I learned a lot from Whoopi's film including the fact that Moms was *very* political as well as naughty, and that she looked sharp in men's clothing when wearing her dentures. Most of all, Moms was funny, funny, funny. Check out the documentary on HBO and the clips below:
Every time I hear of Rob Ford's latest idiotic escapade, I miss Chris Farley. Imagine Farley on SNL, or anywhere for that matter, playing Rob Ford. He had the girth, the moves and an array of vacant faces that would bring the crazed Toronto Mayor to life. If Ford doesn't chill out sometime soon, he might wind up living in a van down by the river like Matt Foley:
In an excellent case of "here's a sentence you won't read every day", Britney Spears has emerged as an unlikely figurehead in the fight against Somali pirates.
According to reports, Britney's hits, including Oops! I Did It Again and Baby One More Time, are being employed by British naval officers in an attempt to scare off pirates along the east coast of Africa. Perhaps nothing else – not guns, not harpoons – is quite as intimidating as the sound of Ms Spears singing "Ooh baby baby!"
Merchant naval officer Rachel Owens explained the tactics to Metro: "Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most. These guys can't stand western culture or music, making Britney's hits perfect. As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney, they move on as quickly as they can."
The military seems to be fond of using loud, annoying music to drive miscreants mad. I remember US forces inviting Manuel Noriega to the headbanger's ball to get him to surrender. It worked. I think Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music would do the trick. Any of you lot have any suggestions?
"David Cameron must choose between two Conservative legacies," thunders Senator Kirk, "that of Winston Churchill or that of Neville Chamberlain."
Really? At Munich 1938 Hitler was already embarked on his wars of conquest. He’d left the League of Nations, had occupied the Rhineland, annexed Austria, and was poised to invade Czechoslovakia.
Iran has not invaded another country in the last 170 years and is not threatening to do so now. It as one of the original signatories of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty in 1968 and submits its nuclear facilities to international inspection.
The analogy with Hitler and appeasement (which was also used by neo-Conservatives ahead of the Iraq War) is tired and feeble.
As for his remark about Iran's facilitation of al Qaeda, this shows that Senator Kirk deserves to be dismissed as an ignoramus whose advice on tying one's shoes should be treated with the utmost caution.
Yeah, you can't make Hitler comparisons to people whose country was, you know, bombed by Hitler, and expect them not to call you out for the braying jackass that you are.
The cover of the Firesign Theatre's 1971 comedic tour de force (farce?) I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus isn't my favorite among their LP covers. It is, however, the most thematically appropriate title for today as Republican bozos seem intent on driving the national bus off a cliff. How's that for a metaphor, Ari Shapiro?
Here's the LP via the strange magic of YouTube:
Tommy's taking a well-deserved mental health day. Tommy, you're a treasure, and this thread is for you and all the wonderful horrible Freepi freakjobbery you wade through on our behalf each week:
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It looks like the Wicked Witch of the West mated unwillingly with a Dunkin' Donuts and then Willy Wonka designed some shoes for the offspring of that unholy union. I'm all for a funky pair of shoes (and some of the things this company makes are super cute), but at some point we need to stop what we're doing and consider the legacy we leave for future generations.
There are many things I want from a restaurant; love is not one of them. I do not expect restaurants or their staff to love me, either in that Hallmark greeting-card sense or that moist adult way. Usually this is fine. I have a number of defining qualities; lovability has never been close to the top of the list. When eating in the US, however, nobody seems to notice. There, almost every chef and waiter will announce that the food being served has been prepared "with love". What? You had congress with my enchiladas? You personally dressed my cobb salad? Say it ain't so. It brings to mind the thing the narrator does to a slab of raw liver, destined for the family's dinner, in Philip Roth's novel, Portnoy's Complaint. If you've read it you know. If you haven't – oh, just work it out.
A llifelong Cleveland Browns fan and season ticket holder, he also wrote a song each year and sent it to the Cleveland Browns as well as offering other advice on how to run the team. He respectfully requests six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.
Mr. Ensminger also requested that people wear Browns gear to his funeral. That sounds familiar to me. I wore a Saints jersey when I was a pall bearer at Ashley Morris' funeral and I was not the only one wearing black and gold.
RIP, Scott, and thanks for the awesome obituary.
Remember the infowars malaka who asked Deval Patrick about guvmint complicity in the Boston Marathon bombing? He was in Cambridge recently where he ran into a guy who gave him the full Jude treatment and cussed his worthless ass out. Do not listen to this out loud at work or in front of impressionable chirren unless you want to expand their vocabulary, that is:
Three women testified against former Mount Carmel Vice-Mayor William Blakely, graphically recounting times he exposed himself while driving. News Channel 11 had the only reporter in court for Thursday's preliminary hearing in Kingsport.
"I was scared that I was gonna wreck, he was gonna cause me to wreck," witness Deborah Sturgill said.
"It seems that every victim would tell the same story. But I knew all the victims did not know each other," Kingsport Police Detective Terry Christian said.
Personal accounts in Thursday's testimonies started the same - Blakely allegedly waving to get the drivers' attention, then escalating to honking and partially crossing over into the drivers lane.
"Waving, grabbed his shirt, kind of pulled it up," witness Deanna Dykes said.
"After the waving, it turned into a lot of beeping, him grabbing his chest area, and asking me going 'please, please' (clasping hands together) with his hands, may I... show me yours," witness Kelly Street said.
Each witness testified they were fearful Blakely's driving would cause an accident.
"He was taking his hand, wetting his mouth, and masturbating," Sturgill said.
"At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]... he was masturbating... and that's when it got really, really bad. I wouldn't look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand, which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly," Street said.
And I thought we had colorful public officials here in the Gret Stet. Talk about unbuckling the old bible belt...
According to our friend Southern Beale,Tennesseans do all sorts of weird and illegal shit whilst driving. She calls Blakely's disgusting and dangerous display moto-wanking, I call it auto-malakatude. However you slice it, William Blakely is the malaka of the week.
The whole Tennessee car thing has given me an earworm, so I'll let John Hiatt and the Nashville Queens have the last word:
Let’s look at the evidence here regarding the homosexual relationship to pie. Anne Burrell does favor apple tarts over pies, and that does sound suspiciously French. And Art Smith’s Table 52 features pecan pie and chess pie, which seem pretty American but are obviously not Republican enough to keep America straight. But has Huelskamp seen Cat Cora roll out a crust? I defy any heterosexual in America to surpass her technique. And Ted Allen did a whole All American, apple pie-themed episode of “Chopped”! In short, though I haven’t actually seen the document, I feel very confident that “take down apple pie” is not even on the first page of the Gay Agenda.
Mmm, apple pie...
If the Cult of the Red Beanie is looking for a preposterously unconventional candidate for the papacy, I'm available. I may be a pro-choice, pro-gay marriage atheist who was never a Catholic but I did costume as a Cardinal on Mardi Gras day in 2007:
No, those are not nuns, they were the Krewe of Anna Nicole Smith, and if you insist on asking, I was not the daddy.
Btw, I'd like my smoke signal to be red:
LeParisien (French newspaper) “The First baby of the year, in Auvergne, has two mommies!”
AbbéGrosJean (Catholic Priest) “Dear Journalists, quick reminder of your biology classes, a baby can’t have two mothers, he has one mother and the mother has a partner”.
Eric Fallourd (From the “Ecologie” (left) party in France, works at the Assembly): “When you believe a story where a virgin woman gives birth to God’s child, you’re not allowed to talk about biology classes.”
I don't believe in the good old days. I don't think that if Barack Obama played Twister with House Goopers that they'd be more willing to compromise. I also don't think that the gun nutterati has changed all that much in the last 40 years. Here's exhibit-1:
I'm preternaturally fond of old school insult comedians. I worship at the feet of Rickles and even remember Fat Jack E Leonard with distressing fondness. Insult comedians, however, tend to be Jewish but Martin Luther-you know the dude who nailed that list thing to the door of a church-was the original one. He may, in fact, be the only known German comedian of his era. <rim shot>
Here are a few choice samples of Luther's career as a proto-Mr. Warmth:
You stink like devilish filth flung into Germany.
You are dumber than Seriphian frogs and fishes.
Even if your writings were from an angel from heaven I would take this horrible document, and, after having used it as toilet paper, wipe its nose.
And other family-friendly amusements at Glenn Beck's new Rand-Land:
Glenn believes that he can bring the heart and the spirit of Walt's early Disneyland ideas into reality. Independence, USA wouldn't be about rides and merchandise, but would be about community and freedom. The Marketplace would be a place where craftmen and artisan could open and run real small businesses and stores. The owners and tradesmen could hold apprenticeships and teach young people the skills and entrepreneurial spirit that has been lost in today’s entitlement state.
Across the lake, there would be a church modelled after The Alamo which would act as a multi-denominational mission center. The town will also have a working ranch where visitors can learn how to farm and work the land.
Working this in reverse order, I don't think people are prevented from setting up an agrarian Galt-paradise of their very own from a lack of knowledge about how to "work the land." I think it has to do with how farming is a quick path to OMGBROKE.
Also, the church will be modelled after The Alamo? So Mexicans will invade it eventually? I'm okay with this.
ALSO I'm kind of having a hard time believing in the ability to build a whole new Galt's Gulch theme park when Beck can't even hire a copy editor for his own web site.
What rides would YOU like to see in this independent community paradise?
“So, here you are, you’re an animal and you’re a god! So, what are we going to teach you about in school? Well, we can teach you about sex, we can teach you how to rebel to you[sic] parents, we can teach you how to be a homo! But we’re definitely not going to teach you about the word of God! Amen.”
I'm furious. Not on my own behalf, although it might have been nice to get some lessons in before encountering actual gays in the wild. Mostly I'm furious on behalf of my friends who had to do ALL THIS EXTRA WORK teaching me how to be a homo.
I mean they had to teach me EVERYTHING. Paying bills on time, applying for jobs, catching the bus, gathering in liquor-serving establishments with friends, going on dates, playing instruments ... it took FOREVER. Some of them took me to movies and bought popcorn to demonstrate how it was done. Hell, a couple of them even had to get married and raise a damn kid together around me. They had a Fourth of July barbecue and all. They bought a house.
What a tremendous amount of effort. Kids today are freaking spoiled. They don't know how good they have it.
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!
Via Nancy N. on Facebook.
Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated columnist at the Cleveland Plain Dealer. On her Facebook page she posted the following:
Email from conservative blogger, dated July 9, 2012:
Dear Ms. Shultz,
We are doing an expose on journalists in the elite media who socialize with elected officials they are assigned to cover. We have found numerous photos of you with Sen. Sherrod Brown. In one of them, you appear to be hugging him.
Care to comment?
Response, dated July 10, 2012:
Dear Mr. [Name Deleted]:
I am surprised you did not find a photo of me kissing U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown so hard he passes out from lack of oxygen. He's really cute.
He's also my husband.
You know that, right?
Woopsies. Conservative bloggers who haven't figured out how to use the fucking Google shouldn't be granted the courtesy of having their names withheld. They should be mocked, publicly. Just sayin'.