FIRST DRAFT

False Flag Puke Cornered In Cambridge

Remember the infowars malaka who asked Deval Patrick about guvmint complicity in the Boston Marathon bombing? He was in Cambridge recently where he ran into a guy who gave him the full Jude treatment and cussed his worthless ass out. Do not listen to this out loud at work or in front of impressionable chirren unless you want to expand their vocabulary, that is:

 

Via All In with Chris Hayes.

Malaka Of The Week: William Blakely

Public malakatude is rarely as literal as this:

Three women testified against former Mount Carmel Vice-Mayor William Blakely, graphically recounting times he exposed himself while driving. News Channel 11 had the only reporter in court for Thursday's preliminary hearing in Kingsport.

"I was scared that I was gonna wreck, he was gonna cause me to wreck," witness Deborah Sturgill said.

"It seems that every victim would tell the same story. But I knew all the victims did not know each other," Kingsport Police Detective Terry Christian said.

Personal accounts in Thursday's testimonies started the same - Blakely allegedly waving to get the drivers' attention, then escalating to honking and partially crossing over into the drivers lane.

"Waving, grabbed his shirt, kind of pulled it up," witness Deanna Dykes said.

"After the waving, it turned into a lot of beeping, him grabbing his chest area, and asking me going 'please, please' (clasping hands together) with his hands, may I... show me yours," witness Kelly Street said.

Each witness testified they were fearful Blakely's driving would cause an accident.

"He was taking his hand, wetting his mouth, and masturbating," Sturgill said.

"At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]... he was masturbating... and that's when it got really, really bad. I wouldn't look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand, which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly," Street said.

And I thought we had colorful public officials here in the Gret Stet. Talk about unbuckling the old bible belt...

According to our friend Southern Beale,Tennesseans do all sorts of weird and illegal shit whilst driving. She calls Blakely's disgusting and dangerous display moto-wanking, I call it auto-malakatude. However you slice it, William Blakely is the malaka of the week.

The whole Tennessee car thing has given me an earworm, so I'll let John Hiatt and the Nashville Queens have the last word:

 

Paragraph of the day

It comes from another hilarious piece by Salon's Mary Elizabeth Williams, entitled Gays hate apple pie:

Let’s look at the evidence here regarding the homosexual relationship to pie. Anne Burrell does favor apple tarts over pies, and that does sound suspiciously French. And Art Smith’s Table 52 features pecan pie and chess pie, which seem pretty American but are obviously not Republican enough to keep America straight. But has Huelskamp seen Cat Cora roll out a crust? I defy any heterosexual in America to surpass her technique. And Ted Allen did a whole All American, apple pie-themed episode of “Chopped”! In short, though I haven’t actually seen the document, I feel very confident that “take down apple pie” is not even on the first page of the Gay Agenda.

Mmm, apple pie...

Red Smoke

If the Cult of the Red Beanie is looking for a preposterously unconventional candidate for the papacy, I'm available. I may be a pro-choice, pro-gay marriage atheist who was never a Catholic but I did costume as a Cardinal on Mardi Gras day in 2007:

No, those are not nuns, they were the Krewe of Anna Nicole Smith, and if you insist on asking, I was not the daddy.

Btw, I'd like my smoke signal to be red:

 

Fuck Yeah France

Nice.

Translation:

LeParisien (French newspaper) “The First baby of the year, in Auvergne, has two mommies!”

AbbéGrosJean (Catholic Priest) “Dear Journalists, quick reminder of your biology classes, a baby can’t have two mothers, he has one mother and the mother has a partner”.

Eric Fallourd (From the “Ecologie” (left) party in France, works at the Assembly): “When you believe a story where a virgin woman gives birth to God’s child, you’re not allowed to talk about biology classes.”

A. 

Archie Bunker Is The NRA

I don't believe in the good old days. I don't think that if Barack Obama played Twister with House Goopers that they'd be more willing to compromise. I also don't think that the gun nutterati has changed all that much in the last 40 years. Here's exhibit-1:

 

The Lutheran Insulter

I'm preternaturally fond of old school insult comedians. I worship at the feet of Rickles and even remember Fat Jack E Leonard with distressing fondness. Insult comedians, however, tend to be Jewish but Martin Luther-you know the dude who nailed that list thing to the door of a church-was the original one. He may, in fact, be the only known German comedian of his era. <rim shot>

Click on this LINK to get dissed.

Here are a few choice samples of Luther's career as a proto-Mr. Warmth:

You stink like devilish filth flung into Germany.

You are dumber than Seriphian frogs and fishes.

Even if your writings were from an angel from heaven I would take this horrible document, and, after having used it as toilet paper, wipe its nose.

Via Charles Pierce.

Ride Glenn's Bologna Pony

And other family-friendly amusements at Glenn Beck's new Rand-Land: 

Glenn believes that he can bring the heart and the spirit of Walt's early Disneyland ideas into reality. Independence, USA wouldn't be about rides and merchandise, but would be about community and freedom. The Marketplace would be a place where craftmen and artisan could open and run real small businesses and stores. The owners and tradesmen could hold apprenticeships and teach young people the skills and entrepreneurial spirit that has been lost in today’s entitlement state.

[snip]

Across the lake, there would be a church modelled after The Alamo which would act as a multi-denominational mission center. The town will also have a working ranch where visitors can learn how to farm and work the land.

Working this in reverse order, I don't think people are prevented from setting up an agrarian Galt-paradise of their very own from a lack of knowledge about how to "work the land." I think it has to do with how farming is a quick path to OMGBROKE.

Also, the church will be modelled after The Alamo? So Mexicans will invade it eventually? I'm okay with this.

ALSO I'm kind of having a hard time believing in the ability to build a whole new Galt's Gulch theme park when Beck can't even hire a copy editor for his own web site.

What rides would YOU like to see in this independent community paradise?

A.

How Did You Learn to be a Homo in Your Day?

Apparently they teach Kids Today in school now! 

“So, here you are, you’re an animal and you’re a god! So, what are we going to teach you about in school? Well, we can teach you about sex, we can teach you how to rebel to you[sic] parents, we can teach you how to be a homo! But we’re definitely not going to teach you about the word of God! Amen.”

I'm furious. Not on my own behalf, although it might have been nice to get some lessons in before encountering actual gays in the wild. Mostly I'm furious on behalf of my friends who had to do ALL THIS EXTRA WORK teaching me how to be a homo. 

I mean they had to teach me EVERYTHING. Paying bills on time, applying for jobs, catching the bus, gathering in liquor-serving establishments with friends, going on dates, playing instruments ... it took FOREVER. Some of them took me to movies and bought popcorn to demonstrate how it was done. Hell, a couple of them even had to get married and raise a damn kid together around me. They had a Fourth of July barbecue and all. They bought a house. 

What a tremendous amount of effort. Kids today are freaking spoiled. They don't know how good they have it. 

A. 

'We've Even Incorporated It Into Our Lovemaking'

HOWLING: 

What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

Via Nancy N. on Facebook. 

A. 

A Quick Thought

This picture has nothing to do with the post. It just cracks me up.

I'm no political strategist, but telling people that they're too stupid to understand why their lazy, mooching, female, "urban," or entitled asses should vote for the party that has pledged to destroy the things that those people are supposedly dependent on is probably not a good plan to increase that party's share of the vote totals.  Discuss.

Sunday Morning Video: The Best Of Mittbot

The fabulous folks at TPM have compiled this swell highlight reel featuring Willard Mittbot Romney:

 

The highest paid idiot in the Gret Stet of Louisiana

Les Miles is at it again, y'all. I'd rather see him eat grass:

Because I Can

And I'm awesome:

So awesome.

Conservative Blogger FAIL

Connie Schultz is a Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated columnist at the Cleveland Plain Dealer. On her Facebook page she posted the following:

 

Email from conservative blogger, dated July 9, 2012:

Dear Ms. Shultz,

We are doing an expose on journalists in the elite media who socialize with elected officials they are assigned to cover. We have found numerous photos of you with Sen. Sherrod Brown. In one of them, you appear to be hugging him.

Care to comment? 

-----------------------

Response, dated July 10, 2012:

Dear Mr. [Name Deleted]:

I am surprised you did not find a photo of me kissing U.S. Sen. Sherrod Brown so hard he passes out from lack of oxygen. He's really cute.

He's also my husband. 

You know that, right?

Connie Schultz.

 

Woopsies. Conservative bloggers who haven't figured out how to use the fucking Google shouldn't be granted the courtesy of having their names withheld. They should be mocked, publicly. Just sayin'.

Sunday Morning Video: The Blancmanges v. The Scotsmen

I considered posting this Python episode before the Wimbeldon finals last week about the fictional Scotsman who won it but didn't want to jinx Andy Murray. He lost so here it is:

 

The Many Moods Of Richard Mourdock

Oh fer fuck's sake. I've tried twice to post over here today and both times my post got eated. Once it was a really lovely piece about the SCOTUS health care ruling and it just *poof* went away.

I'm not even going to bother anymore. Here's a video from last night's Colbert Report, wherein he mocks Indiana Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, who pre-taped his different responses to the SCOTUS health care decision and then accidentally published them on YouTube last week. Woopsies.

Needless to say, Mourdock's pre-taped responses, absent anything factual like, y'know, why SCOTUS would have ruled the way it did, were superficial affairs, loaded with talking points and little else. Of course. Who really cares why SCOTUS would overturn, not overturn, or partially overturn the Affordable Care Act? These things are unimportant to Richard Mourdock, who only cared about being first out of the box in letting the world how it affects him, Richard Mourdock.

 

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

  

'Nickleback gets more pussy in an hour than you will get in a lifetime'

HOWLING. 

Wow…you’re seriosly a douche. It’s easy to talk shit in an article huh? Sit back behind the pen? Nickelback gets more pussy in an hour than you will get in a lifetime. Unless your freakin Jimi Hendrix then who the heck are you to judge anyone’s talent? Psychologically speaking…I can say with confidence that you ARE the quintessential “loser” kid from high school who still hates the “popular” kids and blames them for all of your loser whoas as an adult. No wonder you ended up a “journaist”. Happens everytime. Your all the same. I would have taken your lunch money in school…everyday…just saying. Hey…great job being a “journalist”.

A. 

The Incredible Hulk Throws A Bear

You are welcome, America.

A. 

Sunday Morning Video: Jon Hamm's Taxi rap

The star of my current favorite show, Mad Men, raps to the theme music of one of my all-time favorite shows, Taxi. You haven't lived until you hear Hamm do his Iggy impression:

 

New Favorite Thing

Unfuck Your Habitat. 

I've been following its nightly advice for unfucking your morning, and oh, my GOD, does it ever make a difference. 

A. 

Sunday Morning Video: The Laff Box

Here's a cool appraisal from the Antiques Roadshow of a laff box; that's right a laugh track machine. I gotta get one of these in order to have self administered rim shots when I'm on a roll:

Watch Appraisal: 1953 Charlie Douglass "Laff Box" on PBS. See more from Antiques Roadshow.

 Via Ken Levine.

 

Where Are They Now, Tennessee Edition

Catapulted to national notoriety after getting thoroughly lampooned on The Colbert Report, perennial Tennessee Republican candidate Basil Marceaux has brought his fight to abolish gold-fringed flags, slavery at traffic stops and other nefarious tools of big government to the race for the Tennessee State House. Sadly, he's hit a road bump:

Criminal Court Judge Rebecca Stern on Monday morning sentenced him to serve 10 days in jail for contempt of court.

She did so after the Soddy Daisy resident first told her, "You're out of order."

Then, as he was leaving the podium, he said, "I run for everything. And when I get elected, you're going down."

The judge then told bailiffs to take him into custody.

He was before the judge on an appeal from City Court of a traffic violation conviction.

He maintains that Criminal Court judges do not have jurisdiction to hear City Court appeals - only Circuit Court judges.

Judge Stern said she is a Circuit Court judge as well.

She said, "Mr. Marceaux, if you were an attorney, you would know that." He is representing himself in the case.

Marceaux is one of those colorful characters I imagine every state has: folks who are always running for office out of some need for attention or who knows what else. Tennessee has an awful lot of these guys, though. My favorite was Byron Low Tax Looper -- yes, that was his legal name, he had his middle name changed from Anthony to Low Tax cuz we take this shit seriously, people!  -- who eventually was elected Putnam County Tax Assessor before going down in massive flames of fraud and incompetence. That didn't stop him from running for state senate though!

Where is he now? Currently serving a life sentence for murdering his opponent in that race, State Senator Tommy Burks. Looper continued to campaign from jail and nearly won, thanks to a technicality preventing a dead person's name from appearing on the ballot.

I like to remember people like Byron Low Tax Looper and Basil Marceaux as I ponder today's crazy politics. These aren't crackpots from 150 years ago, these are politicians of our modern information age, when we're all supposed to be so damn smart because we read it on the internet. Criminals and crazies abound in American life. Sooner or later one gets elected dog catcher and before you know it, they've gotten a taste of it and a political career is born. It really makes me wonder, hearing what that comes from the mouths of folks like Michele Bachmann, Joe Barton and Louis Gohmert, if they didn't start out as their state's Basil Marceaux. Knowing the Tennessee General Assembly actually took a stand on tinfoil hat crap like Agenda 21 and Obama's birth certificate, it's obvious that crazy is the new normal.

Whatever happened to the Age of Reason?

Penguin Win

What do they like? We should send them a case of it in thanks. 

A. 

Let's See Action

There have been quite a few live or hot mic gaffes in the American presidential election. In France, a minor candidate had a thin or hot wall moment:

One moment of light relief came when rank outsider Nicolas Dupont-Aignan discovered his campaign headquarters was not as soundproof as he might have wished after noisy neighbours engaging in what the French press described as "bedroom sport" interrupted a press conference.

"Enough talk, we want actions," continued the candidate, pretending not to notice, as journalists sniggered.

 

 

LOL MEGADETH

Heavy Metal birthers. What is the world coming to? 

A. 

Game of Thrones of Hotness

You have to be KIDDING me. I know I like 'em old and scruffy, and that's not exactly the Justin Bieber set's cup of mead, but I wouldn't touch Littlefinger with the tip of my umbrella. Viserys really should be disqualified from any ranking like this based on the first damn episode, and Loras Tyrell, man, I'm not a dude so not his target demographic, but REALLY? He makes the list (along with characters who could charitably be referred to as Guy In The Back In the Crowd Scene Number Four) and the The Old Bear doesn't? 

What about Ser Barristan the Bold? 

The Hound? 

Benjen Stark? 

At least Jory's on there. Stannis Baratheon doesn't even make the cut, and he's played by perhaps the most beautiful human being on the PLANET. I've always had a soft spot for Stannis, on the basis of he's usually right even if he can never make himself stop being an asshole about it, and when I heard they cast Stephen Dillane I knew all those chickens I sacrified to Ceiling Cat had not been in vain. 

(So there's this show that's coming back on on Sunday and I'M A LITTLE BIT EXCITED.) 

A. 

Mitt Romney: STUFF THE ICE CHEST

A friend sent this over and I laughed so hard I wheezed: 

The one for Santorum is priceless, too.

A. 

Sunday Morning Video: Leap Day

I know I've posted 30 Rock clips before but this is a seasonal classic. So, put on your yellow and blue togs and meet Leap Day William:

 

 

Our President is a Ridiculous Dork, She Says Approvingly

I just love how after the kid (a remarkably composed and mature child, as I would probably have been stuttering and tripping over myself at his age) says he shoots marshmallows from the air cannon, Obama looks around like, "and I don't have one with the presidential seal on it WHY, now?" 

A. 

Tweet of the day: Comedy Icon Edition

It comes from the great Albert Brooks who was born Albert Einstein and also has distinctive hair:

As a man ages watching the ball drop on New Years takes on a whole different meaning.

Brooks has been in a bit of a career slump as a writer-director but his Real Life, Modern Romance, Lost In America, Defending Your Life and Mother are classics.

Here's a clip featuring Albert and Debbie Reynolds as the title character in Mother. Dr A and I call this the "protective ice" scene.

 

Sunday Morning Video: Magic Christmas Tree- Rifftrax

Here are MST3K alums Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett riffing on a truly incomprehensible flick:

 

Because we are cursing bunch of cocksuckers around here

And because Athenae tweeted this, and I couldn't agree more,

 

some thoughts on the effectiveness, or non-effectiveness, of profanity. Best of all, one of the commenters links to this video, which, getting back to ruining children by exposing them to reality, contains one of my favorite bits ever from Fry & Laurie, at 0:45 seconds.

 

 

Sunday Morning Video: The Best of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Have a ho-ho-ho horrible time with the gang from MST3K:

 

 

The Pugilist From Ipanema

Mike Tyson sings the Antonio Carlos Jobim classic on Brazilian teevee: 

 

NOLA Notes: Mayor Of Simpleton

This is more of a suburban note but I prefer to confuse y'all whenever it tickles my fancy. Kenner is a rather benighted suburb of New Orleans whose sole claims to fame are that they have drive through Daiquiri stands and it's the location of Louis Armstrong/Moisant Airport.

Pretty much everyone here pronounces this dreary burg's name "Kenna." It's even turned up on some t-shirts made by two local companies. The one at the top of the post is made by Dirty Coast and the one below is a Fleurty Girl production:

  

Why am I going on about this? The Mayor of Kenner, Mike Yenni, recently took umbrage over his town being called Kenna:

Kenner Mayor Mike Yenni is not amused. Some shops that carry T-shirts with slogans of New Orleans-area neighborhoods have been selling shirts misspelling Kenner and including the slang term for "bro." Some T-shirts say "Kenna bra" or "Kenna Brah."

"It's Kenner, not Kenna," Yenni, a native of the city, said Friday, at a meeting of his Economic Development Committee.

The city was established in 1855 and first called Kennerville, after the Kenner family who owned sugar plantations on land that is now south Kenner.

Yenni chastised people who end the city's name with a vowel as well as the T-shirts that poke fun at the city, some including an image of a woman's brassiere. Any way you spell it, Yenni said, it's got to end. "This is Kenner with an e and an r on the end of it," he said.

Such precision from a man who changed his last name to that of his politically powerful Grandfather and Uncle both of whom were the President of Jefferson Parish. I had a Yenni to name him malaka of the week but preferred trotting out this XTC classic to mock his humorlessness:

 

 

Burning Down the Goat

I love Swedes, man. 

A. 

Today on Tommy T's Obsession with the Freeperati - "It's so good to be home for the Halalidays" edition

Yeah - I know this was supposed to be a "Putrid Potpourri" edition, but there's been alarming real-time developments in Freeperville.

You know how every so often a little reality creeps into the eternal ragefest, when they catch themselves during the rage ramp-up and realize they're being played? This was one of those times. However, the True Believers quickly regroup and counterattack. Suit up, gentle people, because the first offering is - Satanic Butterballs!

Happy Halal Thanksgiving (Boycott Butterball)
American Thinker ^ | November 21, 2011 | Pamela Geller

Posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:47:27 PM by Mount Athos

Did you know that the turkey you're going to enjoy on Thanksgiving Day this Thursday is probably halal? If it's a Butterball turkey, then it certainly is.

I discovered that only two plants in the U.S. that perform halal slaughter keep the halal meat separated from the non-halal meat. At other meat-packing plants, animals are slaughtered following halal requirements, but then only a small bit of the meat is actually labeled halal.

Wendy Howze, a Butterball Consumer Response Representative, responded: "Our whole turkeys are certified halal."

Halal slaughter involves cutting the trachea, the esophagus, and the jugular vein, and letting the blood drain out while saying "Bismillah allahu akbar" -- in the name of Allah the greatest. Many people refuse to eat it on religious grounds.

Others object because of the cruelty to animals that halal slaughter necessitates.

Still others refuse to do so on principle: why should we be forced to conform to Islamic norms? It's Islamic supremacism on the march, yet again.

Non-Muslims in America and Europe don't deserve to have halal turkey forced upon them in this way, without their knowledge or consent.

The same Islamic law that mandates that animals be cruelly slaughtered according to halal requirements also teaches hatred of and warfare against unbelievers, the oppression of women, the extinguishing of free speech, and much more that is inimical to our freedom. Don't support it on this celebration of freedom. Join our Facebook group, 'Boycott Butterball'.

Don't buy a Butterball turkey for Thanksgiving.

1 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:47:29 PM by Mount Athos

Cue the Freepers who are not convinced that this is ragegasm material:

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To: Mount Athos

Too late. Can I make up for it by passing gas in the direction of Mecca?

2 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:50:10 PM by Ingtar

.

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To: Mount Athos

Gee, great idea to demand a Butterball Boycott when most people have already bought their birds. That’s like the TV News showing the wild drinking, drugs and sex binges of Spring break 2 weeks after break has taken place. Boycotts seldom work. And most people won’t care much of a drat where the throat was cut, just as long as the bird isn’t still flapping when being stuffed into the oven.

5 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:53:33 PM by theDentist (fybo; qwerty ergo typo : i type, therefore i misspelll)

.

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To: theDentist

If I boycotted every company that ticked me off I’d be living a subsistence life in a tiny little hut in Montana.

7 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:56:07 PM by Mr Ramsbotham (Laws against sodomy are honored in the breech.)

You mean you're not?

What about the always-imminent SHTF? Are the weapons buried? The gold stacked? The dry provisions catalogued (anyone besides myself ever wonder where the potable water to rehydrate their dried crap is gonna come from once the taps stop running?)?

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To: Mount Athos

If you don’t believe in Allah, what difference does it make? Buy Butterball and don’t give away your power. By boycotting you admit it makes a difference.

9 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:57:23 PM by turbocat

.

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To: Mount Athos

Good grief! Why shouldn’t companies provide food that ethnic customers are willing to purchase? Makes for increased sales and a better bottom line. Why punish a company simply because you don’t like the customer base to which it’s trying to expand?

12 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 9:01:02 PM by SuziQ

Ah - but the True Believers are mounting a counterattack!

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To: SuziQ

This I don't like.

while saying "Bismillah allahu akbar" -- in the name of Allah the greatest.

This makes me lose my appetite.

18 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 9:06:59 PM by DManA

.

To: DManA

It has been an ancient custom to pray for the animal that's been sacrificed for your meal. This is not at all peculiar to Moslems. Christian Arabs would traditionally use terminology very similar to that.

So, prayer makes you lose your appetite, or Arabic, or the self-identity of the guy making the prayer?

28 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 9:15:43 PM by muawiyah

.

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To: muawiyah

Prayer to a demon does.

29 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 9:17:54 PM by DManA

.

To: DManA

Isn’t that the same Mohammedan chant used when they behead Infidels?

51 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 9:46:48 PM by SERKIT ("Blazing Saddles" explains it all......)

.

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To: Mount Athos

Another tidbit on Halal. All and I repeat all of Costco’s lamb is now halal and their Coleman organic chicken. So since we loved the lamb and the organic chicken this is our last year with Costco. We are looking into Sam’s or BJ’s.

It's too late.  You ate the Satanic lamb chops and your family is going to Hell, you baaa-aaaad man.

Most people just think that Halal is like Kosher. It is not. Kosher slaughter is just a way of processing so all of the blood gets out of the meat. Halal is actually a sacrifice. They point that lamb/turkey in the direction of the Black Rock of Mecca and sacrifice it to Allah. We are all Muslims now.

62 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 10:26:03 PM by Georgia Girl 2 (The only purpose of a pistol is to fight your way back to the rifle you should never have dropped.)

Waitaminnit.

COSTCO?????

.

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"Get thee behind be, thou evil side-dish of Satan!"

Emo Phillips

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To: Ruy Dias de Bivar

I absolutely agree with you.

Now that I know what they do with this meat I have a moral choice to make.

69 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 11:39:50 PM by DManA

.

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To: MontaniSemperLiberi

Thank you. That means something to me. It is a matter of being a good steward of God’s gifts giblets.

68 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 11:37:23 PM by DManA

FIFY.

So much more after the Islamic order to "Continue Reading, Infidel!"....

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Today on Tommy T's Obsession with the Freeperati - special "Razing Cain" edition

Good morning, gentle people - Herman Cain threads have been accumulating like cobwebs in a Freeper's PC, so let's do some catching up. We'll start out with a recent thread, then go back in time, when the Godfather of Godfather's was the anchovy in  the GOP list of ingredients.

First up, it's - Losing Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller withdrew his endorsement of Herman Cain
Wednesday November 16, 2011

Posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:06:25 PM by Bigtigermike

On the O'Reilly Factor tonight...Dennis Miller stated "I'm off the Cain Train." after endorsing him and helping Cain do a few fundraisers a couple of months ago.

1 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:06:27 PM by Bigtigermike

.

To: GeronL

I never trusted Miller.

3 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:08:05 PM by Politics4US

Negro, please! You guys have been licking his spittle ever since he lost his HBO show and/or went crazy. You cacked like hens when Miller called Pelosi "Little Miss Twitchie McMagpie",  You pissed in your pants when he declared his allegiance to the teabaggers over the GOP,  Don't give me that "I never trusted Miller" shit.  I, unlike you, have a functioning memory.

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To: Politics4US

So when he endorsed Cain you posted not to trust him??

5 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:09:36 PM by ontap

Heh.

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To: ontap

So strange, that a candidate doing so well would just all of a sudden implode like that.

It almost seems like some sort of set-up. Sadly, I wouldn’t doubt if it was.

6 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:10:05 PM by LibsRJerks

.

Let me explain it to you:

You're crazy.

.

Cain's crazy

.

You felt an affinity for him.

.

You hang out in this sewer of crazy called Free Republic, because you don't like to hear opposing views. They make your head hurt, so you ignore the sane people and convince yourself that the majority of people in this country are just like you, when in fact, they are not only not like you, they think you're bugfuck crazy.

.

And that brings us back around to Hermain Cain.

.

Now, I don't want to go off on a rant here, but creepy red-meat-throwing assholes like Cain, Bachmann, Perry, and Santorum may appeal to the 8% of the 28% that make up the GOP base, but they're not going to win any national elections. Why not? Because the majority of voters in the country are not crazy!

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To: LibsRJerks

Set-up is very likely

7 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:12:29 PM by GeronL (The Right to Life came before the Right to Happiness)

(sigh)

.

To: LibsRJerks; GeronL

It almost seems like some sort of set-up. Sadly, I wouldn’t doubt if it was.”

“Likely”

You thinkk he set himself up? I don’t understand. Do you think it was the Bimbos, the no idea wtf he was talking about or the dawning that he REALLY was in over his head?

Seriously, not trying to be a wise guy...don’t you think it was all of the above that sank him?

24 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:18:24 PM by jessduntno ("They say the world has become too complex for simple answers... they are wrong." - RR)

.

To: GeronL

His reason was “He can’t win.” He said that if it weren’t for that, he’d support him in an instant.

23 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:18:15 PM by Brilliant

See above.

And, of course :

.

To: cripplecreek

He was a liberal.

20 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:17:58 PM by Politics4US

.

To: Reagan Man

Well, the way I read it, Miller was a “f’ing liberal” for withdrawing his endorsement of Cain. Whatever...

But really, any freeper that gets their opinions from a radio host needs to have their head examined. Why? because its all infotainment. The host is there to sell soap and quite frankly, if that host can no longer sell soap, then they will be replaced with a monkey playing a kazoo—as long as that monkey could push the soap!

When the monkey is no longer up to the task, then they will be replaced with a Moose banging on a cowbell!

And when the moose no longer sells the soap, well then it will be replaced with a goldfish singing tiny bubbles....as long as they sell the soap...

127 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 10:00:26 PM by abigkahuna

Ban.

Him.

More of the Cain Trainwreck after the Crack in the Sky..

.

Today on Tommy T's Obsession with the Freeperati - Return of the son of Monster Magnate edition

.

OK - coffee break's over - back on your heads!

Iso suits on, people - when I crank open that airlock door, all kinds of Freeperati insanity backlog is gonna spill out. Elspeth is standing by with hoses, just in case.

First up - Drunk or stoopid?? You make the call!

Rick Perry's 'truly bizarre' speech: Was he drunk?
TheWeek.com ^ | October 31, 2011 | TheWeek

Posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 4:56:27 AM by iowamark

Texas Gov. Rick Perry raised some eyebrows — and questions about his sobriety — with an unusually expressive speech to a conservative group in Manchester, N.H., on Friday. In the speech, Perry ditched his typically reserved style and instead employed "the sort of tics, facial contortions, mimes, and muggings that one would expect from a comic performer," says Thomas Lane at Talking Points Memo. The media scuttlebutt is largely based on an anonymously posted YouTube compilation of "highlights" from the speech (watch the clip below), but even some in attendance were perplexed. "It was different," Manchester Mayor Ted Gatsas said. Another GOP operative said it reminded him of Democrat Howard Dean's race-ending "scream" in 2004. Perry's campaign's response? The speech simply proves that Perry is "passionate about the issues he talks about."

 

The reaction: Perry's performance was "truly bizarre," says Libby Spencer at The Impolitic. "He comes off as pretty well drunk. Or drugged." Yes, and though it's not a crime to be "pretty publicly lit," it's almost certainly bad politics for a presidential hopeful, says Andrew Sullivan at The Daily Beast. Well, I doubt he's drunk, says Josh Feldman at Mediaite. But his exuberance is "fun to watch." I bet "Alec Baldwin will appreciate the material for his next Perry impersonation. Look, "we're not saying that he's definitely drunk," says Max Read at Gawker, "we're just saying, watch the whole thing" and judge for yourself. Have a look:

Video: Perry's Cornerstone Speech Highlights

1 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 4:56:31 AM by iowamark

We have the Freepers who are still smarting from Dubya:

To: iowamark

Perry is a drunk, happens to a lot of boys living with alpha females. Poor thing.

2 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:02:33 AM by org.whodat (Just another heartless American, hated by Perry and his fellow demorats.)

And the ones who are just flat-assed in denial (who are ya gonna believe, the MSM, or your lying eyes?)

To: iowamark

That is the Obama media being cited there, the all lib&homo media there, so f’m.

3 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:05:22 AM by dennisw (What good is a used up world and how could it be worth having - - Sting)

The realists:

To: iowamark

The audience provided the uncomfortable, sympathetic laugh track. It was only missing circus music.

After watching that, you could only hope he was drunk. If that's how he expresses "passion" for issues, as his campaign would have you believe, imagine the potential SOTU addresses.

BTW, it's probably not a good idea to invoke The Alamo and "victory or death" in a campaign. How'd that work out for those at The Alamo?

5 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:07:18 AM by edpc (My silence IS an answer)

.

.

To: iowamark

He definitely looks drunk. His behavior and speech has been radically modified.

8 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:14:36 AM by Do Not Make Fun Of His Ears (Bush called us "vigilantes." Perry calls us "heartless.")

.

.

To: iowamark

It looks like an SNL skit. Presidential? I think not!

18 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 6:02:25 AM by mmanager

And the idealists:

To: org.whodat

If you had a speck of decency, you’d be ashamed of your reprehensible comments on Perry threads. Since you don’t and aren’t, we’re left to conclude that your unconscionable vitriol is not simply the result of heated political rhetoric during primary season but is rather part of your character.

11 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:26:29 AM by BuckeyeTexan (Man is not free unless government is limited. ~Ronald Reagan)

.

.

To: iowamark

No, he’s not drunk, he’s clowning around, maybe trying a little too hard to be amusing. No, this non-story will not hurt him in any way. Yes, you Perry haters and Cainiacs are way off base and trying to make something out of nothing and doing your candidate no favors.

29 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 6:38:24 AM by Sudetenland (There can be no freedom without God--What man gives, man can take away.)

Of course, being Freeperville, there's always some bugfuck-crazy genocidal twatwaffles:

To: edpc

In the end it led to the defeat of mexico and the creation of the Republic of Texas... the guys in the Alamo lost the battle... but caused the following VICTORY in the war with mexico... I only wished we had exterminated mexico after defeating them.

LLS

28 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 6:31:18 AM by LibLieSlayer ("Americans are hungry to feel once again a sense of mission and greatness." Ronaldo Magnus)

But, by and large, the Freeperati were not amused,

To: indylindy

I didn’t think he was drunk either....but then I thought if he would have been drunk, he at least might have an excuse. LOL

I don't believe he was drunk either. But if this is how he conducts himself when he is supposedly relaxed then heaven help us all should he ever be confronted with real life problems as a President, like a nuclear crazed despot from say, Pakistan and Iran talking about nuking Israel or even the US! His line then might be something like 'can't we all just get along' (and giggling all the while saying it).

46 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 8:39:58 AM by Ron H. (Conservatives have the Tea Party. The Liberals have the Pee Party.)

.

.

To: iowamark

Looked like a Howard Dean moment to me.

We have too many little league candidates playing in a big leauge ball park. Sad.

16 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:51:16 AM by rodguy911 (FreeRepublic:Land of the Free because of the Brave--Sarah Palin 2012)

OK - lots more after the jump, including this week's election live thread!

I'm going to hell...

...since this involves the dread Kardashian-Humphries whatever it was BUT I love these moving gif things:

Hat Tip: The Cajun Boy

Sunday Morning Video: Halloween- Modern Family

This is the first time, I've embedded a video from Hulu. That means it involves a few commercials BUT it's worth it to see this classic season-2 episode of Modern Family.

 

Sunday Morning Video: Biggus Dickus

One of my favorite moments from The Life Of Brian:

 

For the crafty types

No kittens available in your neighborhood? Too poor to buy your own cat? Or maybe you want something very specific, like, say, one that looks more like a giant rabbit alien?  No problem. Make your own!

Start with about a yard of cat, as above. It goes without saying that it should be cut on the bias.  Stuff with the best chow you can afford. Voila! Leave your stuffed cat laying about likely cat environments, no one will be the wiser.  Unless they try to wake it up.

Sunday Morning Video: Tootsie Frootsie- The Marx Brothers

If you haven't already noticed, I love puns; good, bad or indifferent. Blame it on the Marx Brothers; especially this hilarious scene from A Day At The Races. Get-ta you ice cream, tootsie frootsie ice cream:

 

Sunday Morning Video: Here Comes The Circus- MST3K

Time to introduce a new, for First Draft, weekly feature. I've been doing this at my blog-city blog for years but have essentially moved over here lock, stock and kitties. I'm not sure if Jude and Riot the cranky ferret approve but if they don't tough you know what. I have the awesomeness of Della Street on my side.

I usually post comedy bits or other odds and sods so let's start off with some MST3K:

 

To & Fro

I love Afros, the bigger the better. I remember when Kareem and Doctor J had huge fros that made them look 10 feet tall. Watching the Doc dunk with his gynormous fro was one of the pleasures of my youth.

A Louisiana woman, Aevin Dugas, is the new world's record holder with a fro that's 4 feet 4 inches in circumference. It shouldn't make me proud to be a Gret Steter but it somehow does.

 

Line of the day

It comes from Mary Elizabeth Williams' Salon post about the sperm bank that is no longer accepting donations from red heads. First we have the set-up and then the joke in bold face:

"We have nothing against red-haired donors," explained the agency's director Ole Schou to msnbc.com Monday. Schou told the Danish newspaper Ekstrabladet that "there are too many redheads in relation to demand. Our stock is about to explode."

Exploding stock, of course, is not a problem you want at your sperm bank.

Mary Elizabeth, who is herself a red head, is one of the reasons I'm a fan of Salon. She can make even the dullest pop culture story seem fascinating and when given a good straight line: baboom.

The exploding stock line reminds me of former NOLA Mayor Ray Nagin's talk of an exploding economic pie post-K. It never happened but we NOLA bloggers are still dining out on exploding pie as opposed to Macca's flaming pie:

 

No More Corndogs, Please

 

Dear Republican Candidates:

I know the Iowa State Fair serves corndogs but please eat something, anything else. There is no graceful or dignified way for anyone to eat a corndog. You wind up looking like Linda Lovelace and the GOP is allegedly the party of "family values," not of public fellatio.

Thanks,

Adrastos

Insanity in Bulk

“You OK?” A asked me late tonight. “It’s not like you to miss a deadline.”

To be fair, it was only 9:50. I hadn't "missed" anything, Bob.

Truth be told, I’d had part of a block all day. There’s only so much you can write about when it comes to these recall elections. I swear there isn’t enough time in a commercial block to fit all of the vitriol I’m seeing during the local news. It’s also not worth complaining about education, budgets or anything else. Pondering the events of the day yielded little either.

Besides, it was a Friday in the summer without The Midget, who was spending the week with my folks, which meant a chance to poke through other people’s crap.

Ever since I was a little kid, summers meant estate sales with Mom. She’d circle dozens of entries in the morning paper and we’d hit them all day. Usually, Friday was the big day as we waded through boxes of stuff, knocked on pieces of furniture and haggled over glassware. Some days, the bargains were small, like figurines or dishes for Mom. Other times, it was something ridiculous, such as the time we had to cram a 1950s grocery cart into the backseat of my Thunderbird because Mom just had to have it.

Even without Mom, estate sale shopping has been in my blood. When I was about 12, I rode my bike to a sale about three miles away. I found a huge stack of paper placemats that had the box scores from old Milwaukee Braves games on them. For $2, I procured the stack and took them home to show Dad. He took them to one of His Guys who said, “They’re not worth much. Only about $4 each.” Each month, we took them to the local card show and sold a handful in the auction. After one such adventure, a guy who lost out on the bidding asked if we had any more.

Dad brokered a deal with the guy for about $5 each and we sold them all.

Over the years I’ve sought old wood furniture for refinishing, old tools to add to the collection and various other items. Dad and I have also bought and sold old newspapers, Playboys and Ichiro ornaments. All part of our “buy low, sell high” adventures.

The one moment that lives in infamy, however, was The Beer Can Incident.

My wife was about 8 months pregnant and we were in Milwaukee for her baby shower. Mom took her to get a mani/pedi and Dad and I were left to our own devices.

We took a walk and found a rummage sale that didn’t have much that we were interested in. The lady running the sale, for some reason, asked us, “You guys wanna buy a beer can collection?”

We had no interest in it, had never collected cans and realized this was likely to end poorly. However, as is always the case with my father, he asked a fateful question:

“How much?”

“Fifty bucks.”

We left the place and walked back toward home in silence. I finally turned to him and said, “Dad, I can hear the gerbil running around in your head. You’re thinking about those beer cans.”

“How do you know?” he asked.

“Because I am too.”

We went home and grabbed the SUV and drove back. The lady still had the cans and we bought them.

We loaded up the truck until bursting and we had to come back for more. When we had the second load almost ready, the lady said to us, “Don’t forget the ones on the side of the house.”

I looked down the side of the house and there were cases stacked four deep that ran almost the entire length of the house. After another couple runs, we got them into Dad’s garage and almost filled the entire stall where his Escalade usually sat.

When Mom and The Missus came home, they could tell something was up, so we showed them.

“You should have just watched their faces,” Dad told me. “I can’t even describe the look they had.”

After several Wisconsin-to-Indiana trips later, I had several thousand beer cans in the nursery, thus, setting me on a deadline: sell all these damned things before The Midget was born.

I got to know the guy at the post office on a first-name basis and I became and eBay super seller of some kind. When all was said and done, the cans were gone shortly after she was born and I had enough money to buy a video camera to keep an eye on her early moments of life. Our $50 investment had gone all “loaves and fishes” on us. Still, to this day, whenever Mom sees a beer can at a rummage sale, she pulls my father away from it like it’ll give him herpes if he gets too close.

Today, I had a much simpler goal. There was a plastic cow creamer thing that I saw online at an estate sale that reminded me of something my grandmother used to have. Figured a long drive and a cheap purchase would be enough to shake the cobwebs loose.

When I got there, the cow was long gone, but it was still worth digging around. In the garage, I found a box of programs from the 1970s Green Bay Packers. Behind it was another box. And then another. I figured there were about 100 in there.

“How much for these?” I asked the guy in charge.

“Buck each.”

I could feel myself channeling my father. “How much for all of them?”

The guy paused and counted and hemmed and hawed.

“$35?”

“Sold.”

“You know,” he said. “There’s more in the bedroom.”

“You throwing those in?”

“Uh…”

“I asked for all of them,” I pushed.

The guy took me back there and only one thing came into my mind.

Oh shit.

The whole place was filled with these things. Boxes, piles, bags and more.

“Give me another $20 and we’ll call it good.”

Now, I was screwed. Had to do it. Of course, I’d taken Betsy, not the truck so this got interesting.

I poured them into the trunk. When that was full, I filled the back seat and the foot wells. I kept going back and the guy kept finding more of them. I must have had at least 400 of these things. The guy kept stacking crap into my car.

When I told the Missus I’d made a buy of some kind, I could practically hear the panic in her text message.

“Please no bear cans.” Despite the odd text correct function on the iPhone, I knew what she meant.

I started sorting until the dust made my nose run all over the place. After several hours, I figured out what I had. It’ll take months just to figure out the prices, though.

I stood up and looked at the bounty that had covered my basement floor. I grabbed the phone and called home.

After chatting with Mom, I got Dad on the line.

“Hey,” I said. “You wanna get in trouble with me?”

After hearing about the whole thing, he muttered, “Christ, I don’t even know how you got all that home. Still, there’s no way we don’t end up ahead on this. Count me in.”

Another adventure begins.