to First Draft
And because Athenae tweeted this, and I couldn't agree more,
some thoughts on the effectiveness, or non-effectiveness, of profanity. Best of all, one of the commenters links to this video, which, getting back to ruining children by exposing them to reality, contains one of my favorite bits ever from Fry & Laurie, at 0:45 seconds.
This is more of a suburban note but I prefer to confuse y'all whenever it tickles my fancy. Kenner is a rather benighted suburb of New Orleans whose sole claims to fame are that they have drive through Daiquiri stands and it's the location of Louis Armstrong/Moisant Airport.
Pretty much everyone here pronounces this dreary burg's name "Kenna." It's even turned up on some t-shirts made by two local companies. The one at the top of the post is made by Dirty Coast and the one below is a Fleurty Girl production:
Why am I going on about this? The Mayor of Kenner, Mike Yenni, recently took umbrage over his town being called Kenna:
Kenner Mayor Mike Yenni is not amused. Some shops that carry T-shirts with slogans of New Orleans-area neighborhoods have been selling shirts misspelling Kenner and including the slang term for "bro." Some T-shirts say "Kenna bra" or "Kenna Brah."
"It's Kenner, not Kenna," Yenni, a native of the city, said Friday, at a meeting of his Economic Development Committee.
The city was established in 1855 and first called Kennerville, after the Kenner family who owned sugar plantations on land that is now south Kenner.
Yenni chastised people who end the city's name with a vowel as well as the T-shirts that poke fun at the city, some including an image of a woman's brassiere. Any way you spell it, Yenni said, it's got to end. "This is Kenner with an e and an r on the end of it," he said.
Such precision from a man who changed his last name to that of his politically powerful Grandfather and Uncle both of whom were the President of Jefferson Parish. I had a Yenni to name him malaka of the week but preferred trotting out this XTC classic to mock his humorlessness:
Yeah - I know this was supposed to be a "Putrid Potpourri" edition, but there's been alarming real-time developments in Freeperville.
You know how every so often a little reality creeps into the eternal ragefest, when they catch themselves during the rage ramp-up and realize they're being played? This was one of those times. However, the True Believers quickly regroup and counterattack. Suit up, gentle people, because the first offering is - Satanic Butterballs!
Happy Halal Thanksgiving (Boycott Butterball)
American Thinker ^ | November 21, 2011 | Pamela GellerPosted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:47:27 PM by Mount Athos
Did you know that the turkey you're going to enjoy on Thanksgiving Day this Thursday is probably halal? If it's a Butterball turkey, then it certainly is.
I discovered that only two plants in the U.S. that perform halal slaughter keep the halal meat separated from the non-halal meat. At other meat-packing plants, animals are slaughtered following halal requirements, but then only a small bit of the meat is actually labeled halal.
Wendy Howze, a Butterball Consumer Response Representative, responded: "Our whole turkeys are certified halal."
Halal slaughter involves cutting the trachea, the esophagus, and the jugular vein, and letting the blood drain out while saying "Bismillah allahu akbar" -- in the name of Allah the greatest. Many people refuse to eat it on religious grounds.
Others object because of the cruelty to animals that halal slaughter necessitates.
Still others refuse to do so on principle: why should we be forced to conform to Islamic norms? It's Islamic supremacism on the march, yet again.
Non-Muslims in America and Europe don't deserve to have halal turkey forced upon them in this way, without their knowledge or consent.
The same Islamic law that mandates that animals be cruelly slaughtered according to halal requirements also teaches hatred of and warfare against unbelievers, the oppression of women, the extinguishing of free speech, and much more that is inimical to our freedom. Don't support it on this celebration of freedom. Join our Facebook group, 'Boycott Butterball'.
Don't buy a Butterball turkey for Thanksgiving.
1 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:47:29 PM by Mount Athos
To: Mount AthosToo late. Can I make up for it by passing gas in the direction of Mecca?
..To: Mount AthosGee, great idea to demand a Butterball Boycott when most people have already bought their birds. That’s like the TV News showing the wild drinking, drugs and sex binges of Spring break 2 weeks after break has taken place. Boycotts seldom work. And most people won’t care much of a drat where the throat was cut, just as long as the bird isn’t still flapping when being stuffed into the oven.
5 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:53:33 PM by theDentist (fybo; qwerty ergo typo : i type, therefore i misspelll)..To: theDentistIf I boycotted every company that ticked me off I’d be living a subsistence life in a tiny little hut in Montana.
7 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 8:56:07 PM by Mr Ramsbotham (Laws against sodomy are honored in the breech.)
To: Mount AthosIf you don’t believe in Allah, what difference does it make? Buy Butterball and don’t give away your power. By boycotting you admit it makes a difference.
..To: Mount AthosGood grief! Why shouldn’t companies provide food that ethnic customers are willing to purchase? Makes for increased sales and a better bottom line. Why punish a company simply because you don’t like the customer base to which it’s trying to expand?
To: SuziQThis I don't like.while saying "Bismillah allahu akbar" -- in the name of Allah the greatest.
This makes me lose my appetite.
To: DManAIt has been an ancient custom to pray for the animal that's been sacrificed for your meal. This is not at all peculiar to Moslems. Christian Arabs would traditionally use terminology very similar to that.So, prayer makes you lose your appetite, or Arabic, or the self-identity of the guy making the prayer?
..
To: DManAIsn’t that the same Mohammedan chant used when they behead Infidels?
51 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 9:46:48 PM by SERKIT ("Blazing Saddles" explains it all......)..To: Mount AthosAnother tidbit on Halal. All and I repeat all of Costco’s lamb is now halal and their Coleman organic chicken. So since we loved the lamb and the organic chicken this is our last year with Costco. We are looking into Sam’s or BJ’s.
It's too late. You ate the Satanic lamb chops and your family is going to Hell, you baaa-aaaad man.
Most people just think that Halal is like Kosher. It is not. Kosher slaughter is just a way of processing so all of the blood gets out of the meat. Halal is actually a sacrifice. They point that lamb/turkey in the direction of the Black Rock of Mecca and sacrifice it to Allah. We are all Muslims now.
62 posted on Monday, November 21, 2011 10:26:03 PM by Georgia Girl 2 (The only purpose of a pistol is to fight your way back to the rifle you should never have dropped.)
To: Ruy Dias de BivarI absolutely agree with you.
Now that I know what they do with this meat I have a moral choice to make.
..
Good morning, gentle people - Herman Cain threads have been accumulating like cobwebs in a Freeper's PC, so let's do some catching up. We'll start out with a recent thread, then go back in time, when the Godfather of Godfather's was the anchovy in the GOP list of ingredients.
First up, it's - Losing Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller withdrew his endorsement of Herman Cain
Wednesday November 16, 2011Posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:06:25 PM by Bigtigermike
On the O'Reilly Factor tonight...Dennis Miller stated "I'm off the Cain Train." after endorsing him and helping Cain do a few fundraisers a couple of months ago.
1 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:06:27 PM by Bigtigermike
To: GeronLI never trusted Miller.
3 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:08:05 PM by Politics4US
To: Politics4USSo when he endorsed Cain you posted not to trust him??
To: ontapSo strange, that a candidate doing so well would just all of a sudden implode like that.
It almost seems like some sort of set-up. Sadly, I wouldn’t doubt if it was.
6 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:10:05 PM by LibsRJerks
To: LibsRJerksSet-up is very likely
To: LibsRJerks; GeronLIt almost seems like some sort of set-up. Sadly, I wouldn’t doubt if it was.”
“Likely”
You thinkk he set himself up? I don’t understand. Do you think it was the Bimbos, the no idea wtf he was talking about or the dawning that he REALLY was in over his head?
Seriously, not trying to be a wise guy...don’t you think it was all of the above that sank him?
24 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:18:24 PM by jessduntno ("They say the world has become too complex for simple answers... they are wrong." - RR)
To: GeronLHis reason was “He can’t win.” He said that if it weren’t for that, he’d support him in an instant.
To: cripplecreek
He was a liberal.
20 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 8:17:58 PM by Politics4US
To: Reagan ManWell, the way I read it, Miller was a “f’ing liberal” for withdrawing his endorsement of Cain. Whatever...
But really, any freeper that gets their opinions from a radio host needs to have their head examined. Why? because its all infotainment. The host is there to sell soap and quite frankly, if that host can no longer sell soap, then they will be replaced with a monkey playing a kazoo—as long as that monkey could push the soap!
When the monkey is no longer up to the task, then they will be replaced with a Moose banging on a cowbell!
And when the moose no longer sells the soap, well then it will be replaced with a goldfish singing tiny bubbles....as long as they sell the soap...
127 posted on Wednesday, November 16, 2011 10:00:26 PM by abigkahuna
.
OK - coffee break's over - back on your heads!
Iso suits on, people - when I crank open that airlock door, all kinds of Freeperati insanity backlog is gonna spill out. Elspeth is standing by with hoses, just in case.
First up - Drunk or stoopid?? You make the call!
Rick Perry's 'truly bizarre' speech: Was he drunk?
TheWeek.com ^ | October 31, 2011 | TheWeekPosted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 4:56:27 AM by iowamark
Texas Gov. Rick Perry raised some eyebrows — and questions about his sobriety — with an unusually expressive speech to a conservative group in Manchester, N.H., on Friday. In the speech, Perry ditched his typically reserved style and instead employed "the sort of tics, facial contortions, mimes, and muggings that one would expect from a comic performer," says Thomas Lane at Talking Points Memo. The media scuttlebutt is largely based on an anonymously posted YouTube compilation of "highlights" from the speech (watch the clip below), but even some in attendance were perplexed. "It was different," Manchester Mayor Ted Gatsas said. Another GOP operative said it reminded him of Democrat Howard Dean's race-ending "scream" in 2004. Perry's campaign's response? The speech simply proves that Perry is "passionate about the issues he talks about."
The reaction: Perry's performance was "truly bizarre," says Libby Spencer at The Impolitic. "He comes off as pretty well drunk. Or drugged." Yes, and though it's not a crime to be "pretty publicly lit," it's almost certainly bad politics for a presidential hopeful, says Andrew Sullivan at The Daily Beast. Well, I doubt he's drunk, says Josh Feldman at Mediaite. But his exuberance is "fun to watch." I bet "Alec Baldwin will appreciate the material for his next Perry impersonation. Look, "we're not saying that he's definitely drunk," says Max Read at Gawker, "we're just saying, watch the whole thing" and judge for yourself. Have a look:
To: iowamarkPerry is a drunk, happens to a lot of boys living with alpha females. Poor thing.2 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:02:33 AM by org.whodat (Just another heartless American, hated by Perry and his fellow demorats.)
To: iowamarkThat is the Obama media being cited there, the all lib&homo media there, so f’m.
To: iowamarkThe audience provided the uncomfortable, sympathetic laugh track. It was only missing circus music.After watching that, you could only hope he was drunk. If that's how he expresses "passion" for issues, as his campaign would have you believe, imagine the potential SOTU addresses.
BTW, it's probably not a good idea to invoke The Alamo and "victory or death" in a campaign. How'd that work out for those at The Alamo?
..To: iowamarkHe definitely looks drunk. His behavior and speech has been radically modified.
8 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:14:36 AM by Do Not Make Fun Of His Ears (Bush called us "vigilantes." Perry calls us "heartless.")..
To: org.whodatIf you had a speck of decency, you’d be ashamed of your reprehensible comments on Perry threads. Since you don’t and aren’t, we’re left to conclude that your unconscionable vitriol is not simply the result of heated political rhetoric during primary season but is rather part of your character.
11 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 5:26:29 AM by BuckeyeTexan (Man is not free unless government is limited. ~Ronald Reagan)..To: iowamarkNo, he’s not drunk, he’s clowning around, maybe trying a little too hard to be amusing. No, this non-story will not hurt him in any way. Yes, you Perry haters and Cainiacs are way off base and trying to make something out of nothing and doing your candidate no favors.
29 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 6:38:24 AM by Sudetenland (There can be no freedom without God--What man gives, man can take away.)
To: edpcIn the end it led to the defeat of mexico and the creation of the Republic of Texas... the guys in the Alamo lost the battle... but caused the following VICTORY in the war with mexico... I only wished we had exterminated mexico after defeating them.LLS
28 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 6:31:18 AM by LibLieSlayer ("Americans are hungry to feel once again a sense of mission and greatness." Ronaldo Magnus)
To: indylindyI didn’t think he was drunk either....but then I thought if he would have been drunk, he at least might have an excuse. LOLI don't believe he was drunk either. But if this is how he conducts himself when he is supposedly relaxed then heaven help us all should he ever be confronted with real life problems as a President, like a nuclear crazed despot from say, Pakistan and Iran talking about nuking Israel or even the US! His line then might be something like 'can't we all just get along' (and giggling all the while saying it).
46 posted on Tuesday, November 01, 2011 8:39:58 AM by Ron H. (Conservatives have the Tea Party. The Liberals have the Pee Party.)..
...since this involves the dread Kardashian-Humphries whatever it was BUT I love these moving gif things:
No kittens available in your neighborhood? Too poor to buy your own cat? Or maybe you want something very specific, like, say, one that looks more like a giant rabbit alien? No problem. Make your own!
Start with about a yard of cat, as above. It goes without saying that it should be cut on the bias. Stuff with the best chow you can afford. Voila! Leave your stuffed cat laying about likely cat environments, no one will be the wiser. Unless they try to wake it up.
I love Afros, the bigger the better. I remember when Kareem and Doctor J had huge fros that made them look 10 feet tall. Watching the Doc dunk with his gynormous fro was one of the pleasures of my youth.
A Louisiana woman, Aevin Dugas, is the new world's record holder with a fro that's 4 feet 4 inches in circumference. It shouldn't make me proud to be a Gret Steter but it somehow does.
Dear Republican Candidates:
I know the Iowa State Fair serves corndogs but please eat something, anything else. There is no graceful or dignified way for anyone to eat a corndog. You wind up looking like Linda Lovelace and the GOP is allegedly the party of "family values," not of public fellatio.
Thanks,
Adrastos
Good morning - hope everyone's Memorial Day is filled with appreciative reflection on the fallen. And Barbecue.
"Wall, them Duke boys are really feeling the heat from Boss Hog this......."
Sorry - wrong writing assigment.
Wall, them freeper boys are really feeling the heat from the pack of undistinguished and indistinguisable candidates trailing behind Mittens. Let's suit up, open up that airlock door, and see what all the consternation is about, shall we?
But first - a little May Surprise for the Freeperati - Selective Appeal Part II !
BREAKING NEWS: Democrat Kathy Hochul wins special election for US House seat in NY — AP
msnbc ^Posted on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 9:19:58 PM by Perdogg
BREAKING NEWS: Democrat Kathy Hochul wins special election for US House seat in NY
Perdogg (sounds like a new hip-hip artist) gets confused and posts a reply to himself:
To: Perdoggbarf
To: PerdoggOnce again, voters get what they deserve. Apparently, this was in a usually Republican district. Just great, moron voters.
To: PerdoggReally, really bad loss.I guess we touched the 3rd rail and all these voters who said they wanted to cut spending changed their minds when they realized it might slow down their own personal gravy trains.
30 posted on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 9:44:58 PM by comebacknewt ((on second thought, never mind, go away again Newt))
To: BobLLet them get their token seat...it doesn’t matter in this Congress.It matters. This is a very heavily Republican district. The party will claim it means nothing, but it will scare the wits out of Republicans in "this Congress" from advancing much more in the way of entitlement reforms.
Yes, there was a fake TEA Party candidate, but even that is bad news. The left will see that some dunderheads will vote for anything with a TEA Party after their name
Geeze - dunderheads who will vote for anything with a tea party after their name. Colour me shocked!
Is there a non-dunderhead in the tea party, ya think?
and run many more just like all over the country in 2012.
35 posted on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 9:48:15 PM by Longbow1969..To: ClintonfatiguedJ. Davis (TEA) 7,346 8%Thanks, Tea Party! You've just cost us another seat! Go Third Party! Yay! Preserve Democrat dominance for the next century! Woooo Hoooo!
41 posted on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 9:54:25 PM by April Lexington (Study the Constitution so you know what they are taking away!)..To: yup2394871293This was not the result of the faux tea party candidate.
This is the fault of Corwin not understanding the Ryan plan, and now we will have to listen to this Mediscare crap for 18 months.
This is a political disaster. I’d rather have lost the judgeship in Wisconsin.
Now John Paul II killed bin Laden:
A US military mission that cornered and killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan was nothing short of a miracle, said Peru's President Alan Garcia, who attributed the divine intervention to newly beatified pontiff John Paul II.
"His first miracle has been to rid the world of this incarnation of evil, this demon of hatred and criminality," the Peruvian leader said, referring to the Al-Qaeda leader.
The late John Paul II showed uncanny timing, with his miracle falling on the very same day as a Rome ceremony beatifying him.
You know what this reminds me of, right?
A.
All I have to say about the fuckmookery and malakatude in Wisconsin is this: sue to overturn the law and then recall the bastards.
Since one of my roles here at First Draft (besides doing the dishes and emptying the litter box) is comic relief, I could not resist posting a book cover I stumbled into while doing my pulp fiction "research." Rock Hudson was at least plausible as a straight dude but Liberace?
Yes. That's a teabagger next to me. On a scooter. Smoking.
No, she wasn't rich. But she was mad as hell, let me tell you that much. After a few minutes, she and the guy wearing the jacket supporting a publicly-owned unionized enterprise went into the stooge rally to hear how rich people need their support against evil schoolteachers. I'd like to think that my sign discouraged her, but maybe she just really wanted to get inside.
What an interesting species. On the one hand, you've got the Sistine Chapel, Voyager 2, fine cooking, Dixieland jazz, and all the other things that are good and sublime and worth living for. On the other hand, you've got poor people defending the ability of rich people to steal from them and make them eat cat food in old age.
I can't explain it, either.
Well, this is news from Madison, WI, but not about the protests and such. Monday, you see, was an unpaid furlough day for most state employees here in Wisconsin. So, after getting my daily marching orders from George Soros and Satan, I started the day with breakfast with a fellow state worker parasite. We went to a local diner to do something silly like spend money on goods and services that would help stimulate the local economy. Foolish, I know, when we should have been signing over our gigantic taxpayer-funded checks to Zombie Lenin (he promises to return any day to crush capitalism).
As is my wont, I ordered a cup of coffee with breakfast. What happened next was completely unexpected. Well, not that I got a cup of hot coffee. Oh, no. It was the vessel in which said caffeinated liquid arrived:
Yes. That's right. I'm in goddamn Wisconsin, and I get a cup that says "American by birth, Southern by the grace of God." And it's got a goddamn Confederate battle flag on it. That's a cup that's just bound to piss me off.
So we finished our breakfast and were preparing to head down to the protests. When the hipsterish waiter came around with the bill, I asked him if I could buy that mug for an extra five bucks. He looked kind of puzzled, but went and asked the manager. Here is my completely made-up version of what that exchange must have sounded like.
Waiter: "Uh, somebody wants to buy one of the mugs for five bucks. Is that okay?"
Manager: "You mean the mugs we pay 50 cents for at the thrift store? GO OUT THERE AND SEE IF HE WANTS TO OVERPAY FOR ANYTHING ELSE."
So the waiter comes back and says that I can buy the cup. I throw an extra five bucks on the table, take my brand new purchase, and walk to my house, which is half a block away.
Result?
God damn, that felt good. It's amazing how therapeutic taking a claw hammer to the symbol of the Confederacy (and its heirs) can be. It's unfortunate that there was an American flag on there as well, but I'm not the one who insulted the country by painting it next to the goddamn Confederate battle flag.
I never expected to encounter one of those stupid slogans here. Hopefully that'll be the last time it happens.
There's your typical "union thug," you repugnant liars.
More to come later, folks.
Lord help me, I think Lady Gaga is a stitch. She had a big Sunday: an interview with Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes wherein he outprettied her but I loved it when she quite accurately described herself as a performance artist. Then she showed up at the Grammy's in an egg:
Eggsactly.
I may burn in lowbrow hell for getting such a kick out of this but what can I tell you? Lady Gaga's showchickship reminds me of a good old fashioned NOLA drag queen getting decked out for Fat Tuesday. It wouldn't surprise me if some enterprising New Orleanian copies the egg shtick or even last fall's MTV VMA meat dress. I expect to see eggs and meat worn somewhere along the parade route. They should probably, however, wait until *after* Barkus rolls...
The best bit of the Anderson Cooper-Gaga gabfest, for me at least, was when AC mentioned Queen. I think Freddie and Queen should be mentioned early and often in all civilized households. This could, in fact, be my motto: "all we've got is radio gaga, radio goo-goo, radio blah blah."
Here's the scourge of the professional Left, outgoing White House press secretary Robert Gibbs as Darth Vader at what the Brits call a "fancy dress" party:
Here's another example of how the rich are different from you and me. And that the rich in the New Orleans metro area are frakking weird:
Once in a while a party defines a year, or vice versa. Once in a while a party defines a decade, or two.
Twenty-one years ago, Jane was born during a snowfall in New Orleans. It was only natural that Snow White would become not only an affectionate nickname for Jane, but also the theme for the glorious gallivanting in her honor that took place Dec. 23 at the family home in Old Metairie. The party still has New Orleans and Metairie social circles buzzing more than a week later.
Prospective guests received invitations delivered in silver boxes that contained mirrors designed as pages from Grimm's fairy tale, with the debutante/birthday girl's story woven into the familiar text: "Once upon a time in the middle of winter when the flakes of snow were falling like feathers from the sky, a little girl was born."
That was a fine example of the breathless prose of Nell Nolan Picayune society editor and debutante buff. But she was just warming up, it gets even loonier:
As the guests arrived, and after they dispatched their cars to valet parkers who sported red bowties and beanies, they were greeted by little people dressed as the fairy tale's dwarfs, as well as artificial snow falling from the trees. Nearby was a mirrored and tiered bar for the presentation of the select Billecart-Salmon Brut Reserve Champagne.
I wonder who played Grumpy? It's a pity that Tony Cox of Bad Santa fame wasn't available to insult and abuse the Momus/Comus/Proteus types who attended this shebang. FYI: M/C/P are 3 of the snootiest and most hidebound Carnival krewes. You've gotta be born into them.
Now for the grand finale, Gambit tabloid editor Kevin Allman scanned the story for posterity:
I have come into possession of a series of dispatches from the War on Christmas. I reproduce them here for the record.
Day One: The predawn assault by the enemy's reindeer brigade was repulsed with heavy enemy losses. The enemy general made the incredible tactical blunder of placing LT Rudolph in the front rank, alerting our gunners that an attack was imminent. Our soldiers inflicted an incredible 77.8% casualty rate on the assault element.
We eat well tonight.
Day Five: No matter how jauntily they wear their top hats, snowmen are no match for flamethrowers. The enemy general either seriously underestimates our capacity or overestimates his own. Alternatively, he could be insane.
Day Eleven: Today, we prepared to meet another enemy attack. Strangely, the enemy force consisted of a woman on a donkey and a man. Puzzled, I sent a squad to flank and capture this odd unit. In interrogation, the woman and man claimed that she was a virgin, yet also was pregnant. We instructed them in the basics of human physiology and gave them the number of a good couple's counselor.
Day Twelve: The enemy sent the elite Kwanzaa Korps against our lines this morning. Expecting such a ploy, I had a strategy at the ready. I had a sentry challenge the enemy force and ask them what they were there to do; they couldn't answer, as no one knew. Confused, they fell back.
Day Nineteen: Proton packs made short work of the ghosts of Christmas. That all you got, Claus?
Day Thirty-three: The enemy actually tried a decent ploy. He sent a spy into our base under cover of darkness. He was, apparently, a mutant, as he was covered in green hair from head to toe. The spy was attempting to steal food, equipment, and secrets. The stratagem failed: He died while in our base; the autopsy found that his heart was three times too large, and it burst. We got lucky this time.
Day Thirty-six: The Bubbeh Brigade mounted what we thought would be an assault; however, they just gave us all a nice mug cocoa and some warm socks. Too bad they won't be back again this season. And this soup is delicious.
Day Forty-nine: Six enemy divisions dropped dead today when a cashier in the K-mart in Casper, Wyoming said "Happy Holidays" to a shopper.
Day Sixty: Every fracas ain't a victory. Must reconfigure guns to depress low enough to hit elves. In positive news, the enemy's ammunition appears to be gumdrops. No casualties on our side.
Day Sixty-seven: A three-camel column (the enemy soldiers were surprisingly well dressed) was surrounded and destroyed. We no longer lack myrrh.
Day Seventy-two: All was calm; all was bright thanks to the illumination flare. All was calm, that is, until the enemy tripped the claymores. The rattle of automatic weapons ensued, and another pointless and wasteful enemy attack was repulsed. The assault phase begins soon.
Day Eighty-four: We besieged the enemy's factories today. After a brief resistance, the defenders surrendered. However, despite the fact that our attack was no secret, the enemy did not retool the factories to make munitions; rather, we found toys (which we plan to distribute). The enemy general's sanity remains in doubt.
Day Eighty-eight: Gingerbread redoubts and fortifications are no match for modern weapons. Or ancient weapons. Or a good rainstorm, for that matter. I knew we weren't facing Sun Tzu, but this is starting to get ridiculous.
Day Ninety-five: Elves are particularly susceptible to grazing fire. We should be entering the enemy's citadel soon.
Day Ninety-nine: The enemy commander, in desperation, has unleashed a biological attack. However, in keeping with his general level of incompetence, he used a human rhinovirus. This has slowed the pace of our assault for a day and necessitated an emergency resupply of Kleenex, but that is the extent of the damage done.
Day One Hundred Four: This has turned into a war of emancipation. These elves, it seems, have been pressed into service by the enemy commander for use as cannon fodder. Prior to the war, they worked without pay in conditions that would make a Chinese factory owner blush. We have declared a general amnesty for any elf who lays down his or her miniature arms.
Day One Hundred Eleven: The final push into the enemy's ruined citadel is underway. Resistance is light due to the mass desertion of the elf labor force. Tomorrow the enemy commander will be either dead or in custody. Happy Holidays.
Day One Hundred Twelve: We have captured the enemy commander. Rather than coordinating his defenses or destroying incriminating documents, he was praying to an idol of a baby in an animal trough. He will be placed on trial for war crimes as soon as possible; additionally, he claims to have committed over 17 quintillion acts of breaking and entering. Hopefully, he will be deemed sane enough for trial.
Followup: After a lengthy trial, the enemy commander was sentenced to death by hanging. I was on the scaffold to witness his end. And I heard him exclaim, as he dropped out of sight, "I'll see you in hell!" Then the rope played out tight.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this little jaunt. Seriously, though, what amuses me most about the whole "War on Christmas" bullshit is that the occasion, if you're a Christian, is supposed to be joyous--you know, the promise of redemption being realized and all that. And these humorless scolds have to ruin it for themselves and everyone else by acting as the proper greeting police. Just relax and be smug in the knowledge that those of us who don't believe in your fairy tale will go to hell, would ya?
One of the first blog-based books, the anthology Special Plans examines Feith's role in misleading America into war. Buy from Amazon and William, James & Co.
