First Draft

It's Not What You Think

Not this guy.

Headline of the day: Drunk badger disrupts traffic.

Honestly, it's not even about Wisconsin.  We must be slipping.

Optimistic About the Youth of Today

The kids are alright:

The week began with my 8 yr old crabbing about how the Tooth Fairy only left her $1 even though her friend Lillian gets $5, and asking me for the duct tape and a fork to "make a better trap".

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Today (Actually Last Week) on Athenae's Obsession with the Wonkette Comments

Washington Post for sale? No problem!

I will pay $50 to kick Richard Cohen in the nads. $80 if Eugene Robinson cheers me on while I do it.

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Consider Carefully

What message your superhero spokesmodel will send.

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Title It

Cheney's memoirs.

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How low can you go?

Marriage in Limbo

   

Comedy writer Ali Davis can be found on Twitter, where she is hilarious pretty much daily. Also here and here, similarly hilarious.

Today on Athenae's Obsession with the Wonkette Comments: ROBAMA

For serious:

WHY DOESN’TT DISNEY RELEASE ROBOMA’S TECH SPECIFICATION HMM COULD IT BE THAT IT WAS BUILT IN CYBERTRON NOT THE US ROBOMA IS NOT A NATUTURAL-BUILT CITIZEN!

---

Domo Arigato, Mr. ObamO
Domo Arigato, Mr. ObamO
Mata ahoo Hima de
Domo Arigato, Mr. ObamO
Himitsu wo Shiri tai

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Weekend Question Thread

What five things do you say all the time? What words or phrases would friends associate with you?

Me: 1. Yaaaaah. 2. Squirrel nut. 3. Jesus tits. 4. Shut up, ho. 5. I KNOW RIGHT?!

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It's The New Bash.org

Texts From Last Night:

(805): i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.

(713): Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.

(570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over

(513): so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.

(586): Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?

(650): Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
(1-650): You've kissed worse.

I can't tell if this stuff makes me nostalgic for my twenties or glad they're over.

via Beachwood.

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Today on Athenae's Obsession with the Wonkette Comments

Obama is a SUN DEVIL:

Ease up there, granny! The “Sun Devil” is the Hell Devil’s easy-going, beach-bum half-brother. He hangs out in surf shacks and dimly lit beach-front bars the world over. 4/5ths of Hawaii belongs to the Sun Devi’s “church,” so it’s only natural that Obama would not be put off by references to the church of his youth. The real question is why a school in the middle of a desert would adopt him as their mascot.

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Today on Athenae's Obsession with the Wonkette Comments

Morons in Yellowstone:

Death penalty for ALL of them. And melt down their slob-cycles to make gay-marriage double-headed dildo vibrators.

Amen, hallelujah. ExceptI say we first make them all get gay married to each other and then we give them death via sodomy using said slob-cycles turned into dildo vibrators as the instruments of their execution.

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Today on Athenae's Obsession with the Wonkette Comments

This whole thread is pretty much made of win:

Like Elmo, I also want to meet Michelle Obama while I’m pantsless.

---

I don’t remember that scene from Avenue Q at all.

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Quitting Time Booster Shot

Welcome to the QTBS, where we have never, ever, grabbed Wolverine's nut sack...

-  I don’t know anything about the movie “The Hood Chronicles” but I suddenly want to see it.

- Wisconsin’s governor requires all of us at the U to take a furlough of 8 days a year if his budget gets passed. Yes, that includes professors, which makes no sense. I wonder if I can take them all during finals week…

- This was one of the saddest things I’ve read in a while. It’s more proof that if you have a job, hang on to it for dear life. There are no guarantees.

- Conversely, this pisses me off. Anna Quindlen decides that she should gracefully exit because there are all these good, young people out there bursting for jobs and she should step aside. Uh… No… You should gut up and decide you’re going to be ten times better than you are right now and 50 times better than those idiots are and ride the column until you CAN’T do it well any more and they pry it from your cold, dead hands. That’s what good journalists do.

- And here I am worried that the Midget will rat me out for cursing at another driver. Just goes to show, it could always be worse…

- First, ARod, now Manny? What’s next? The Queen’s horse tests positive for doping? Ooops…

- Goodnight, Dom. Sorry you never got your due…

- WANT!

- Three organizations with a vested interest in not helping anyone are fighting against one organization with a vested self-interest in seeing more ethanol integrated into gasoline. Hmm… which group of scummy weasels to believe… Not to sound mean, but doesn’t the federal government own every group and organization that’s involved in decision at this point? Can’t it just do what parents do with kids: “You two, knock it off or I’m coming up there and you won’t like it!”

- From the “Is there such a thing as a ‘love you crime?’” file: The folks in Massachusetts are extending hate-crimes protection to homeless people. Given the state of the economy, it’s likely to have far-reaching implications. Seriously, though, should this even be an issue? At what point can we finally say: “Look, you, the well-paid, quasi-religious, straight, white guys. You can kick the shit out of each other but nobody else.”

- Quick show of hands: When Bush trumpeted hydrogen-powered cars in 2003, how many people saw this coming?

- From the “Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss” department: FEMA is still screwing over the state of Louisiana. From the brain trust:

Nonetheless, FEMA wants its trailers back, even though it plans to scrap or sell them for a fraction of what it paid for them.

“All I can say is that this is a temporary program, it was always intended as a temporary program, and at a certain point all temporary programs must end,” said Brent Colburn, the agency’s director of external affairs. He said there would be no extensions.

Stay classy, FEMA. May the trailers not reek like a smelly pirate hooker when you get them back...

- And finally, what would LeBron do? Obviously not what the kid in dunk #4 did. Ouch.

Thanks for letting me share your air. Be back next week.

Doc

Guys?

We don't need to keep everything, okay?

She first saw her father's historic war memento about 10 years ago, then not again until April 19 when a Cook County bomb squad took the land mine after officers determined the bomb was live and confiscated it.

"I don't think it would have gone off, unless of course a vehicle had driven on it," Welch said, adding that her father never physically handled the land mine as if it was dangerous.

Her sister even snapped a photo of the bomb before police evacuated the home, as well as a few neighboring homes.

Welch and her family were cleaning out the basement of her parents' home in the 7700 block of Bristol Park Drive when they found the land mine on a work bench. DiCarlo died almost five years ago. Welch's mother and DiCarlo's wife, Mary, died earlier this month.

To be safe, Welch's family called Tinley Park police. Then the bomb squad arrived.

An Army military officer during the war, DiCarlo likely confiscated the land mine from a prisoner, Welch said. The bomb traveled from Texas, where DiCarlo was stationed in the early 1940s, to the many homes Carmen and Mary DiCarlo shared in the Southland. After Texas, they moved to Chicago, then to Harvey, to Chicago Ridge and finally to Tinley Park, where the DiCarlos lived since 1997.

Welch was somewhat surprised to find the land mine, but she said her father was a pack rat.

Obviously a very good one.

Heh.

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Today on Athenae's Obsession with the Wonkette Comments

Glenn Beck is good for America after all:

Who do you want your crazy Galtist coworkers and family members to be enamored with? Some middle of the road Republican who might actually unite them around a merely repellent form of conservatism, the kind that can win elections? Or wouldn’t you prefer that they all soak up the dead-ender cultist dogma that Beck is selling? Yes, Please conservative America, buy into this whacked-out orgy of paranoia and while you’re enjoying your decades long epic fail the rest of us can get to work and fix all the shit your boy, George, left behind.

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Bailout lessons

Because every other news story about the bailout or the economy reminds me of this and I've got to exorcise it every once in a while. (Also because, as noted, 76% of my cerebellum contains nothing but old KITH sketches.)  

My Coverage of the G20 Summit

For BlakNo1, who requested LOLCatholics.

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Today on Athenae's Obsession with the Wonkette Comments

"Seriously, if Al Gore said that breathing was good for you, there would be no one left to comment on Red State."

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Adjust Breasts

I've always wondered what the technical term for that was:





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Onion: Obama's First 100 Days

Between the Vatican and the Freepi, we need some funny:

• DAY 36: Realizing there are 489 people working in the West Wing, Rahm Emanuel tells his secretary to stop buying cupcakes for everybody's birthday.

• DAY 35: Negotiations between the House and Senate versions of the DC Voting Rights bill nearly break down when Senator Arlen Specter insists on keeping his doodle of a three-legged pony in the bill.

• DAY 34: During a difficult moment of a televised address, President Obama debuts the evil-looking sock puppet that will speak on all unpopular matters from now on.

• DAY 33: President Obama still hasn't updated his Twitter account, leaving millions of tweeple tweet-deprived for over a month.

• DAY 32: Vice-President Joe Biden curses HotGunner79 for outbidding him at last minute on 1970's Navy bomber jacket.

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Continuing My Quest for Media Domination

I give you this video of a dog making an idiot out of itself, courtesy of dooce:

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So The Freepi Want LOLCatholics, Do They?

Fine. I'm here to serve.

Myspace Glitter Graphics

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LOLCatholics

I didn't know the kids still said "macking" these days:

But the current drama at the bakery is that some dude called up yelling at us because his wife swallowed the tiny plastic baby Jesus in the king cake and had to go to the emergency room because it was stuck in her stomach. Now, okay, I'm sorry your wife is in the ER, but I have little to no sympathy for her. First of all, everrrrry single one of our king cakes comes with a warning on the bag that there's a plastic doll inside, secondly, if you know annnnything about king cake you know about the tiny Jesus, thirdly, the doll isn't even baked in the cake, it's just placed on the bottom, so if you pick up a slice you would see it, and lastly, LEARN TO CHEW YOUR FUCKING FOOD. Jesus Christ that Jesus baby is not that tiny the only way you would miss it is if you were shoving that shit down your throat like an anaconda macking on a gazelle or some shit. I'M SORRY BUT IT'S TRUE.

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Washington, Washington

Today is George Washington's birthday.  In honor of this momentous occasion, I present, as I do every year, this wholly factual account of the life of our first President.

This Would Distress Brian Williams

But I'm gonna post a cat video to distract everyone from the VERY SERIOUS ISSUES FACING OUR COUNTRY TODAY:

Via LJ.

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Geek Presidency

The drawbacks:

So I was listening to an interview from last week on a show called Spark -- CBC Radio's internet-culture and new technology program.

And they had this man named Tom Armitage on it talking about how the next generation of world leaders will all have been raised on video games, and speculating on what video games might have taught these future leaders. The tone was very optimistic.

As a life-long gamer myself, I thought I'd compile a list of things future prime ministers and presidents and chancellors might have learnt from video games that might be applicable to the world situation. To wit:

Military

* The only defence necessary is a three-foot wall around your country. No one can jump over that.
* Ammunition is a useless expense. Even if your guns aren't the kind with infinite bullets, clips and rounds can be found scattered about the landscape.
* The best training for new soldiers is massacring rabbits.
* All outposts and research centres must be designed as a series of barely-jumpable platforms interspersed with occasional treasure chests, and sometimes chicken legs concealed in the bricks of the walls.
* Wars aren't won by armies, only by small ragtag troupes of two to eight members who each have their own distinctive skill set, uniforms, and hair style.

Health Care

* It's not necessary to set residency spaces or hire doctors. By the mere act of picking up a medical kit, anyone can instantly heal the most grievous bullet wounds.
* Death is a minor inconvenience.
* All hospitals will eventually become battlefields, or haunted by zombie nurses wielding lead pipes. In other words, don't build any.

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Sunday Silly

The Christian Bale rant, set to a funky beat you can dance to:



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For My Lord And Master Athenae

The fact that there's a free space amuses the hell out of me.

You can shut down the Internet, people. Its true purpose has been realized.

You Know What Today Needs?

MOAR GROUNDHOG.

By the time the "town elders" in top hats and black frock coats roll out the fake tree stump with the groundhog stuffed in it, these thousands of people are desperate for something interesting happen. Actually, considering that they showed up at 5:00 AM for frikkin' groundhog, they've probably been waiting for something interesting to happen for a lot longer than that.  Anyway, the very sight of the town elders drives the crowd into a frenzy, a rabid clamoring, a knot of orgiastic tension that can only be released when some old guy in a top hat whacks a fake tree stump with a hickory cane, opens it up, and hoists a groundhog up in the air over the crowd like it's the newly-born Lion King.

Now, this groundhog, who spends the bulk of his year as a pampered pet, only to one morning suddenly find himself rudely stuffed into a fake tree stump for God knows how long and then hoisted over a crowd of screaming Pennsylvanians, reacts in the only sensible way a groundhog can: he loses bladder control.

(Seriously, I don't know why I love the groundhog so much. Maybe it's that it looks like an obese ferret, or because animals are inherently hilarious, or local civic rituals are inherently hilarious, or something, but everything to do with the groundhog charms me senseless.)

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Happy Groundhog Day

Six more weeks of this.

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The Bush Legacy

Beat that, Duchamp.

From "Down the Drain - The Legacy of George W. Bush."  Well, I can't think of anything to add.  No words, anyway.

Erm

Me. Pick me. Pick me pick me pick me pick me pick me pick me!

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The Meanest Sons of Bitches in the State of Maryland -- GUARANTEED!

As a pre-antidote to Bush's speech Thursday night (which we WILL be crack-vanning, at the lovely Scout's request, with HAMS), I offer this entirely not-work-safe video full of the class you've come to expect from First Draft:



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Wedensday Morning Funny

Now that's entrepreneurship.

I know where I'd be buying a couch.

Hat tip to Wisconsin's own Big Money Blog.  Check 'em out!

And I Thought Working at a Florist's on Valentine's Day Sucked

True high school story. I have never in my life had a worse day at any job, and I've had jobs where people threatened to fuck, sue and kill me. I don't know what the owner was smoking asking me to start that day. I didn't know how to do anything. I didn't know what flowers were what, how the cash register worked, how the order system worked, what to say when I answered the (one, non-cordless, incredibly loud) phone. I had no idea who any of the florists were so even when I did answer the phone I couldn't identify who the call was for, I didn't know the delivery drivers' routes or their names or the hours they worked.

Certainly no one was in a position to train me. When I asked questions people yelled. I couldn't  blame them. The customer sitch was like that scene in I Am Legend where the creatures keep throwing themselves on the glass. I didn't understand why these baseball-capped douchebags were coming in at 9 p.m. freaking the fuck out because they'd forgotten it was Valentine's — like, it's kind of inescapable, read a calendar, Chipster — and we didn't have any roses left for them.  Men kept coming in demanding something, anything, buy me out of the doghouse somehow. The cherry on top of this shit sundae was the woman who came in hauling an arrangement sent by an apparent stalker and THREW IT AT US. I felt for her, but Jesus.

I wish I could say the job got better, but note to the job market newbies: A boss oblivious enough to hire a 16-year-old with no experience to start on Valentine's Day without any training is not a boss that fosters an environment any more hospitable than the inside of Satan's asshole. I lasted six months because I hated quitting anything, but I quit the shit out of that job. It was giving me an ulcer.

But working at a sex shop on Valentine's Day is apparently SO MUCH WORSE.

“Should I be weirded out by the fact that there was a box of Girl Scout cookies in the lube shipment?”

Oldie but goodie via, in a roundabout way, Metaquotes.

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I Love the Idea but Where's the Myth?

One wise man to another: We can just have some fun! It's Christmas.

The Earth Might Stop Turning

Soooo cold.

My three-year-old goddaughter was here the other day so, since my house is kid-proof but not necessarily kid-fun (I need a box of toys for visiting moppets or something) we broke out the Fraggle Rock DVDs. She liked the singing and the dancing and Red's flappy pigtails, but her mother and I, having not seen the show since we were kids ourselves, were kind of weirdly fascinated and horrified. The Henson workshop must have been powered by the finest hallucinogens known to man or beast, because holy hell, this stuff was weird.

Yet, fun. I always loved the Fraggle pseudo-Yule-Christmas-Thing, where all the Fraggles have to ring their bells or the Great Bell won't ring and their rock will go cold and spring won't come. But Gobo, known in my house as the Fraggle Most Like My Baby Brother, decides he has to go see the Great Bell for himself, accompanied by the strangeoid priest-like dude, and he can't find the bell:

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Buy Some Hens!

They sound great:

Not as filthy as most poultry. They are very noisy. If your neighbor has a barking dog or annoying offspring, these would be fine revenge. If you just find it amusing to see brainless alien freaks that look like old-style football helmets running around on tiny orange legs, they will fit the bill.

Buy my surplus ill-natured Guineas. They are too scrawny for Thanksgiving. The do not have laser beams strapped to their heads.

If I had a yard, I'd totally be all over this. I'm sure we could get over the lack of laser beams.

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Food Is Scary

GAAAH.

You know I love Anthony Bourdain like I love my own left breast but every time on his show that he whips out some sweetbreads or boar intestine or whatever and talks about how tasty it is fried with some testicles I start screaming at the TV. We don't need to eat that stuff anymore. Though we're not quite at flying cars yet I think most of us can probably safely stop gnawing on the assholes of various mammals for amusement. I feel the same way about this: There is a KFC almost everywhere now and we don't need to make creme bruleé out of come.

On a similar note, my mother recently gave me a cook book put out by what appears to have been the entirety of the 1950s home cooking school of thought. The way I know it was the 50s is that under "appetizers" it lists margaritas, brandy slushes, and Long Island iced teas.

I think those are listed in the hopes that you slam a few down before the meal and don't notice the selections of salads: Strawberry Congealed Salad. Mystery Salad. Quickie Salad. Frosted Raspberry Jello. I'm sure somewhere in here is that weirdly filthy alleged salad of a pineapple ring with a banana stuck through it. Then there's the beef dishes, the cooking instructions for which are almost always "put all ingredients in dish and bake:" Dreamy Spaghetti Casserole. Taste-of-Taco Spaghetti. Lazy Man's Meat Rolls. Magical Mushroom Pot Roast. MOCK FILET MIGNON. What on earth was going on back then that we needed to resort to that?

The fish dishes are even better: Salmon Loaf and on the next page, Super Salmon Loaf. Something called "On The Wharf" which in addition to a fish dish is also a musical and a porno. Dockside Delights, same deal. The whole thing scared the shit out of me. I read some of them to my father as he was driving us down the road the other night, and he nearly drove into a ditch when I got to something called, simply, "Puppy Chow."

There's also recipes for useful things like German potato salad which I love and could eat by the gallon but have never made myself, and pot roast which really is best when made by someone who remembers the 50s personally, but I was tempted to pull out a few of the weirder ones in here and send them to whoever makes up the challenges for Iron Chef. Your secret ingredient is ... The Eisenhower Years!

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The Worst Christmas Toys

Kids' toys can be downright creepy:

I saw the most horrific toy last night. It made me laugh until I nearly had to be removed from the store.

Envision, if you will, what appears to be a dead puppy in an open box. It's on its back, stiff paws pointing toward an uncaring Heaven, jaws gaping in a rictus of grim mortality, hairy tongue lolling and glazed eyes popping. Classic dead dog position, very hot for the holidays.

It gets better.

Now you note that the thing's spine appears to be twisted, as though said deceased canid were wrung out like a sponge. Also, there are angular pointy shapes pressing against its stomach wall, suggesting that the unfortunate beast has experienced massive internal trauma. You touch the thing and note that it's a thin layer of Dacron fur left over from the manufacture of hooker jackets stretched horribly over what feels like an Erector set. MM CUDDLY!

Wait. It gets better.

There's a tag that suggests that you should "Press my PAW to see me do TRICKS!"

Do not do this. NEVER DO THIS.

When pressed, Baby's First Undead Fucking Roadkill begins to spasm feebly, rigid legs jerking, and emits a thin, muffled shrieking noise that caused me to stumble backwards with eyes like saucers and my hands pressed to my mouth in horror and disbelief. I imagine this is the reaction your kid would have on Christmas morning, possibly with the addition of some festive holiday pants-soiling and the promise of years of therapy to come. Just like a real puppy! That we found clinging to its last vestiges of life on the side of I-95! After it had been abandoned for eating chunks of industrial waste and being a Terminator! MERRRRRRRY XMAS, BILLY! Your next gift is a little toy shovel. Don't forget to aim for the head!

Via Metaquotes.

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Jesus Christ! and a cast of dozens — Prop 8: The Musical

A mini-musical with Allison Janney, John C. Reilly, Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris, Margaret Cho, Maya Rudolph, Kathy Najimy... and possibly other celebrities I don't recognize. If you see someone I left out, leave a comment.

The thing I really love about this is the "Hey kids! We ain't beat yet, let's put on a show!" spirit of the thing.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Ludacris Is Good At Origami

Seeing this line in a story about the Georgia runoff—

Martin is touring the state Monday with prominent Georgia Democrats, including Rep. John Lewis of Atlanta. He'll cap the day with a state Capitol rally with the Atlanta hip hop artist Ludacris.

—reminded me of my very favorite Ludacris video ever, in which he PWNS Martha Stewart at origami:

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I Apologize For What I'm About To Do

But I can't not share with you the commercial that plays during EVERY football game here, at least nine times a quarter:

Why are all local car commercials universally of the suck? This is a particularly egregious example but there's a remarkable uniformity to the shittiness of production values, ineptitude of spokespeople and general assiness of appearance in these things that crosses locations, brands, etc. Do they all get together in one place each year and say, "Let's make something so horrendously annoying that while it accomplishes the aim of having people talk about it, it will also inspire them to give our dealerships the finger every time they drive by?" What? Help me out here.

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Quitting Time Booster Shot

- Here’s a perfect example of why letting computers do the work for you might not always be the best idea. Usually database pairing of ads with a story works. Here, not so much. “Hey, there was just a school shooting in Savannah! I wonder what it’d be like to go down there and enjoy the trolley!”

- From the “Think, verify, then report” department: I wonder how many times people are going to get all sexed up by some Web site that tells them some “insider” information before they start to realize that an internet connection and a cursory class on PhotoShop can set up an “Insta-Hoax” in about 20 minutes. First rule of journalism: If your mother says she loves you, go check it out. Internet corollary: Ask mom. Don’t look it up on a Wikipedia…

- Of course you didn’t always need the internet to put on a good hoax. This one was officially debunked today in 1953.

- MTV finally did something we all had been hoping they’d do for about five years now.  Still, it’s one of the coolest databases ever.  Of course, you’ve likely been looking for (and finding) most of this stuff on YouTube, but hey, let’s not be upset that MTV’s coming late to the party and be grateful they showed up at all. Of the 16,000+ videos uploaded, they’ve yet to add this classic, which I remember watching at my grandmother’s house eons ago when she had cable and we didn’t.

- Sadly, it seems post-West Wing work is kind of hard to find these days for Aaron Sorkin’s acting troupe. Saw Toby (Richard Schiff) as a soon-to-be-dead guy on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and last night Will (Joshua Malina) was pooping in a dish for the woman he loves on Gray’s Anatomy.

- Then again, it could be worse…

- And finally, here’s your one-stop shopping site for governmental stupidity. Enjoy…

Thanks for letting me share your air. See you next Friday.

Doc

'One: You Are A Fascist'

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And that has made all the difference

Nerds

They kick ass. 

Click for a bigger version. 

Come up with your own captions!  Regular reader Hell Kat suggested this one:
"President:  Now available in black!"

A Short Video Depiction Of The McCain Campaign

First, he becomes the presumptive nominee.  Then the free-fall.  After that, he gets an unexpected lift at the RNC.  But it turns out that Sarah Palin was driving the ambulance.  And then, well, you can see for yourself.

Endorsements That Matter

Time Cube Guy endorses McCain.

I'm personally holding off on voting to see if the Weasel Ball guys offer me any guidance:

All your life you have wanted to order something from a website called WeaselBalls.com. That day has arrived. If you order more than one, you can tell everybody you know that you "bought some weasel balls off of the internet." The story alone is worth the purchase price several times over. If you so desire, we will write, at no cost to you "CAUTION: WEASEL BALLS INSIDE" on the outside of the box. We are completely 100% serious. Your mail carrier will think you are so awesome. If you desire to be less awesome, we can mask the fact that you just ordered something from a website called WeaselBalls.com. We will work with you to fulfill your Weasel Ball needs.

[snip]

The weasel fur is made of acrylic, a synthetic fabric that is not derived from an animal. If you're a vegan, or you just own a pair of birkenstocks -- have no qualms about ordering a Weasel Ball, for it is neither real nor edible. You should never ever attempt to eat the weasel. The previous sentence is a good general guideline on how to live your life.

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My People

My literacy.  Let me show you it.

My people: Making me proud.